"Life la.."
Most of my sentences have started with this. Almost equivalent to Vasu's "thobar". Thathuvams to virakthees, happiness to Mt.Everest..have poured forth of my mouth with these simple two words; One of which is totally meaningless. (Which one though?)
So I think this blog is dedicated to "Life la.."
Each of us have a personal nook, a corner where nobody else can penetrate. Mine is a corner where my heart is fossiled over the years by heaps of sediments of feelings, circumstantial behavior or incidents have been forced into.
There is a friend of mine who keeps saying that suffering is an absolute quantity. He compares the suffering of various people and says, what is your suffering when compared to his? to her? to all those who approach him with their sorrows.
Some turn back effectively consoled while I smile an empty smile and leave(each time) vowing never to return again.
My corner stores memories from childhood with appa, amma and anna. Teenage with my friends, appa, amma and anna. Now. Post mature( :)))) life with mom. My mom is the closest person to me in this world now.
As I go back and forth in the pensieve of my memories, I see times when I have literally cried to be given a different mom as a kid. My perspectives grotesquely skewed now, I stand at a point where everything, literally everything I believed in has lost its circumstantial evidence and have not withstood the passage of time.
Amma. Appa. Anna. Relations. My so called friends. My so called enemies. The oh-so-great God.
Life la...
Of sufferings untold and unheard of, of compassion, mercy, happiness and the fleeting nature of life. I stand cowing down before a sea of humanity that point their accusatory finger at me and say like,"you who are so blessed..."
Life la..
Of values and cultures that once stood up for a man. What a man might do when in such and such circumstance. What he might not. Where are those values now?
Life la..
Of beliefs that have belied themselves, of trusts that have come apart, of love that has failed, of so many other failures.
Life la..
Of success and joy, exultation and admiration, respect, fun, all the positive exuberances.
Life la..
Of perceptions and perspectives that have stayed and got skewed grotesquely..
There is no end to the kaleidoscope of emotions that gather around us.
Life la..
Of surprise: That the air around us might carry so much of music, heat, passion, warmth, animosity, ill will, benovelance, sound, noise, words..Of things untold and unsaid. Of etchings on human faces gone forever.
We opened a Pandora's box when we started to think. When we start to crawl out of the box, it is generally too late to change. Rigid notions and opinions, unchangeable doctrines. Unhappiness, inability to accept.
One causeth the other.
I really don't know how to end this post. I was thinking along two different lines and I shall know only when I read this post what I have written.
Whatever.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Rain, the Sea of Love..
The wind that blows with a tempest can be withstood but never remembered without shudders. But the gentle breeze that floats through the warm summer evening:..many
a recollection flows with the passing of years..the scent it bore in its wings,
the sound it carried through..a feeling of deja vu arising with every wind passing thru the years....
Nobody reading this blog will ever understand what the title stands for..I was sitting in school today and thinking about my college days back in SVCE, when I was
struck by this thought. logged on quickly to the net and started off
so that among my many thoughts, this would not fail to get a mention...
It was probably in my pre-final year that this quiet guy with a great smile took my attention. Before that he never existed for me. He could not dance but could
appreciate music(not my kind though);) smile but never laugh; hold the light up but never lead.
He was at madhyamam at whatever he did. Never on a high but a silent presence nevertheless.
I ran into him when we were organising some cock and bull symposium at college. He smiled and there I was!!! floating on to seventh heaven...who is this guy? and
where has he been all this while?? were my only thoughts!!! I found out that he was a
senior and was graduating that fall. After moving with him for a few weeks, I came to like him very much. He was a student representative and we had to come along
a couple of times.
He taught me a lot of things: organising, interacting with poeple..okay!!thats not all. he taught me the meaning of love..what it was to love and what was true love.
...Not that we both loved each other. Our relation brooked no personal advances.. He taught
me a lot of things.. Among those to realize true love... I have been searching for it ever since...to no avail...
He is one of the few guys who have been imprinted in my memory..rain: the sea of love..wherever u are: U R REMEMBERED...this rainy cloudy day in Kentucky.....
kaalai kan vizhithathum vara villai un ninaivu,
Malai urangum mun endrum thondra un mugham,
indru engo tholainthu kondu eruntha en ninaivalaigal sikhi, thavithu viduvithu kondathu..
Un mugham kaana aava..
Thedum paathangal tholainthu poga koodum,
Pathaigal mari payanagal mara koodum,
sinthaiyil ulla kanavaai, yen ninaivalaigal mithanthu, oru puthu payanam indru..
unnudam..
Tholai thooram sendren..Tholainthen..vizhithen...
(erukayil erunthu mattum nagara villai!! sombal!! )
Un mugham kaana aava...
a recollection flows with the passing of years..the scent it bore in its wings,
the sound it carried through..a feeling of deja vu arising with every wind passing thru the years....
Nobody reading this blog will ever understand what the title stands for..I was sitting in school today and thinking about my college days back in SVCE, when I was
struck by this thought. logged on quickly to the net and started off
so that among my many thoughts, this would not fail to get a mention...
It was probably in my pre-final year that this quiet guy with a great smile took my attention. Before that he never existed for me. He could not dance but could
appreciate music(not my kind though);) smile but never laugh; hold the light up but never lead.
He was at madhyamam at whatever he did. Never on a high but a silent presence nevertheless.
I ran into him when we were organising some cock and bull symposium at college. He smiled and there I was!!! floating on to seventh heaven...who is this guy? and
where has he been all this while?? were my only thoughts!!! I found out that he was a
senior and was graduating that fall. After moving with him for a few weeks, I came to like him very much. He was a student representative and we had to come along
a couple of times.
He taught me a lot of things: organising, interacting with poeple..okay!!thats not all. he taught me the meaning of love..what it was to love and what was true love.
...Not that we both loved each other. Our relation brooked no personal advances.. He taught
me a lot of things.. Among those to realize true love... I have been searching for it ever since...to no avail...
He is one of the few guys who have been imprinted in my memory..rain: the sea of love..wherever u are: U R REMEMBERED...this rainy cloudy day in Kentucky.....
kaalai kan vizhithathum vara villai un ninaivu,
Malai urangum mun endrum thondra un mugham,
indru engo tholainthu kondu eruntha en ninaivalaigal sikhi, thavithu viduvithu kondathu..
Un mugham kaana aava..
Thedum paathangal tholainthu poga koodum,
Pathaigal mari payanagal mara koodum,
sinthaiyil ulla kanavaai, yen ninaivalaigal mithanthu, oru puthu payanam indru..
unnudam..
Tholai thooram sendren..Tholainthen..vizhithen...
(erukayil erunthu mattum nagara villai!! sombal!! )
Un mugham kaana aava...
Monday, June 18, 2007
A change of a positive nature..
I have felt like I would never be this down ever again. Three times in my life. Or maybe four. One of those I have corrected. One I will, I can and have to live it down. One I can never ever feel better about. The last? I dont know what way it will turn into.
But all the three previous times?? I have got up. Dusted myself off and never looked back. I shall do it this time too.
Sometimes I wonder if God ever gave us the chance of making decisions. Are we really allowed to make or take decisions? Or we only those who stand by..mere instruments of a divining Almighty? Is the whole world only a stage? Or is there something that we actually do in it to change the dynamic balance?
To change. To forget. To let go. And to live afterwards. I always wanted to have a small pup. I would have loved it. Named it Ryder. But it would have become my love. My life. My everything. But if it goes,there is no more any Vanjula. She is dead. Because I am person who loves to love. When my love is displaced or is threatened I get devastated. So till date, I have never got Ryder. Though I did get a chance once.
I must learn to distribute my attentions. My love. Remove it from something that is perishable and to place it something that is forever.
I love this line from the Thirukkural..
" Patruga pattrataan patrinai patruga
appatrai patru vidarkku"
Lovely isnt it? In case you are(ahem!!) coughing and clearing your throats with the seemingly incomprehensible tamil? Here is an almost(!!)impossible translation into English..
"Attach yourself to the one who has no attachment; Attach
to Him for all attachments to disappear"
Here the attachment refers to the hold of the humanity to wealth,women,men, lifestyes, material possesions, interests and even life or death.
Hold onto the One who has no attachment for a complete release from all other attachments which are but nooses around your neck. The neck of your soul.
I rest
But all the three previous times?? I have got up. Dusted myself off and never looked back. I shall do it this time too.
Sometimes I wonder if God ever gave us the chance of making decisions. Are we really allowed to make or take decisions? Or we only those who stand by..mere instruments of a divining Almighty? Is the whole world only a stage? Or is there something that we actually do in it to change the dynamic balance?
To change. To forget. To let go. And to live afterwards. I always wanted to have a small pup. I would have loved it. Named it Ryder. But it would have become my love. My life. My everything. But if it goes,there is no more any Vanjula. She is dead. Because I am person who loves to love. When my love is displaced or is threatened I get devastated. So till date, I have never got Ryder. Though I did get a chance once.
I must learn to distribute my attentions. My love. Remove it from something that is perishable and to place it something that is forever.
I love this line from the Thirukkural..
" Patruga pattrataan patrinai patruga
appatrai patru vidarkku"
Lovely isnt it? In case you are(ahem!!) coughing and clearing your throats with the seemingly incomprehensible tamil? Here is an almost(!!)impossible translation into English..
"Attach yourself to the one who has no attachment; Attach
to Him for all attachments to disappear"
Here the attachment refers to the hold of the humanity to wealth,women,men, lifestyes, material possesions, interests and even life or death.
Hold onto the One who has no attachment for a complete release from all other attachments which are but nooses around your neck. The neck of your soul.
I rest
Some major changes
I have always felt that I was poised on something important that was about to happen. My life has been on a threshold ever since mom and dad started pestering me about my marriage. I hate to be pushed into a relation. Thats probably the one thing I hate more than anything else.
Talking over something with your antagonists is supposed to help but!!! Here they are too close minded on this issue. They dont even want me to talk over it. You are 24. You need to get married..Thats it. 24, Single!!!! PREPOSTEROUS..
This season.. The summer session 2 has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me.
There has been lot of torubles with my advisor.He asked me register for summer and left on a holiday!!!! How does that sound? I am standing stake to lose like 1200$ for something I wasnt even responsible for. Being unfunded, this has just left me with my daylights out of me.
One of my friends. Friend? Is it even possible to define any relationship with that name? Or atleast mine with this person? Sometimes, words are just inadequate. So I shall remain mundane and use the word friend. Though it rips me apart to call him by that cliched word. He has left me forever. I think so.
There are certain situations in life. I realized this right now. Till now, I was hanging on to the life line,"nothing is unchangeable"..I just realized that everything that has gone by in this world..They are all unchangeable events. Not one of them can be put straight again. Not one!!! I am in my first situation now. I made a decision to respect the privacy of somebody who was close to both of us. Now the privacy has gone forever and has destroyed the trust in a relationship.
The fault was entirely on me. I was on an unfair advantage in the situation. It has simultaneously ripped two people out of my life: both of whom I respect and admire. One of them was extremely close to me. But it really doesnt matter.
So I am out of a job, out of school, have an outstanding fine of 1200$, a medical insurance claim for 1000$, friendless and unpitied in a foreign land!!!
How does that sound for starters?
But I am not a whiner. This post was just to remind me of the obstacles that I am yet to face. Yet to set right. But I am on track. I shall be leaving school this september. And my OPT starts October. I shall be alright.
Life shall pick itslef up and move on. Trudge for a while. But it will start singing its way along after sometime..Yes. Singing its way on..I am very positive person by birth. Though I appear very negative on the outside. I can deal with situations and move on.
It is just difficult to understand this phrase "Move on". So easy to utter and so difficult to execute!! Hmmm..
Long enough for now..As I muse my way around...Join me in a strong dose of life, fun, misery and picking up again...
I have another blog too..prapathi.blogspot.com. It is about my search for the divine.
If you have read till this..Welcome again..
Talking over something with your antagonists is supposed to help but!!! Here they are too close minded on this issue. They dont even want me to talk over it. You are 24. You need to get married..Thats it. 24, Single!!!! PREPOSTEROUS..
This season.. The summer session 2 has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me.
There has been lot of torubles with my advisor.He asked me register for summer and left on a holiday!!!! How does that sound? I am standing stake to lose like 1200$ for something I wasnt even responsible for. Being unfunded, this has just left me with my daylights out of me.
One of my friends. Friend? Is it even possible to define any relationship with that name? Or atleast mine with this person? Sometimes, words are just inadequate. So I shall remain mundane and use the word friend. Though it rips me apart to call him by that cliched word. He has left me forever. I think so.
There are certain situations in life. I realized this right now. Till now, I was hanging on to the life line,"nothing is unchangeable"..I just realized that everything that has gone by in this world..They are all unchangeable events. Not one of them can be put straight again. Not one!!! I am in my first situation now. I made a decision to respect the privacy of somebody who was close to both of us. Now the privacy has gone forever and has destroyed the trust in a relationship.
The fault was entirely on me. I was on an unfair advantage in the situation. It has simultaneously ripped two people out of my life: both of whom I respect and admire. One of them was extremely close to me. But it really doesnt matter.
So I am out of a job, out of school, have an outstanding fine of 1200$, a medical insurance claim for 1000$, friendless and unpitied in a foreign land!!!
How does that sound for starters?
But I am not a whiner. This post was just to remind me of the obstacles that I am yet to face. Yet to set right. But I am on track. I shall be leaving school this september. And my OPT starts October. I shall be alright.
Life shall pick itslef up and move on. Trudge for a while. But it will start singing its way along after sometime..Yes. Singing its way on..I am very positive person by birth. Though I appear very negative on the outside. I can deal with situations and move on.
It is just difficult to understand this phrase "Move on". So easy to utter and so difficult to execute!! Hmmm..
Long enough for now..As I muse my way around...Join me in a strong dose of life, fun, misery and picking up again...
I have another blog too..prapathi.blogspot.com. It is about my search for the divine.
If you have read till this..Welcome again..
Friday, June 15, 2007
Kathal thana na na.kathal thana na na na na..
The humming from kathal is the most beautiful piece of music I have possibly ever heard. Man! Stunning. Kekka kekka..it just transcends you to another world. If there is anything that gets someone closer to God, it is this(I meant love). And none else. None else.
I dont know much about love. If it is the kinda stuff they show in cinemas or in albums. I believe in love that transcends the surface, the body and moves onto the mind. Not like someone is playing with a pen thinking of the guy someone loves..smiling at stupid things, not eating..!!
Can there be even any overtly stupid expressions as these?? Whatever.
The brand of love I am possessed with is not any that you would have experienced. I love fiercely every one I meet, get close with and move along. My love is of the hot nature that sears anyone who comes near but is not limited to one. Not even limited to sex, caste, creed, nothing.
It is just love beyond anything. I don't care if it is a guy, girl, animal.. nothing escapes once it endears itself to me. I also don't believe in this fixating kind of love for a single person. How can you in God's infinite variety hope to love only a mere billionth of a tithe smaller than His creation?
Prakash's link in the last comment was an essay after my own heart. It is something I relished reading. I don't know. These days maybe you can say I have become a gnani of sorts. I understand that proposals or rejections do not mean a thing. They are mere words. There are thousands and thousands of suitable boyz and gurlz out there. Do they all get married? Love transcends all these barriers. Pure and constant love for humanity. Humans. though a selected few they may be.
Being 24 and single, I think a lot of times about getting married to Mr.Right. Who is Mr.Right? What are his characters? Who is the judge? Often my mother tells me that my husband should be pristine and must not have loved somebody before or things like that.
She does so in her best of her intentions. But think of this. A 27-29 year old guy who has never never never loved a girl? Is it really possible. Think of the other way too. Is it possible that a girl of 21-24 has never a star in her eyes due to a special someone?
I dont think it is normal if it is so. "I have never met a person I would liked to have known better" must probably be the most untruthful statement ever. Just because you did not have the courage to go that extra mile. Maybe you were afraid of your parents, maybe you had some doubts, maybe you liked somebody else just a bit further...Whatever the excuses are..Excuses are never reasons.
But you are not guilty anyway. Or I feel you. The God who made Man and Wife as the much represented symbol of love in the world, in His infinite wisdom gave the Heart a thousand times..why even a billion times more to love. And love equally. He gave us also silence.
Silence and the heart..
When you are silent,
sitting by the sycamore tree,
Only the sound of your heartbeats
Thrashing across your chests
Hoping to set you free.
From the rigidity of love
and the false notions of faithfulness..
Speak and speak silently.
For God hears your unsaid love.
A tear from the eye..A sigh from the heart..
They go a longer way than the words from the mouth.
Hail Love. Hail life. Hail the Holy Father in Heaven.
May the Lord be Praised
Amen
I dont know much about love. If it is the kinda stuff they show in cinemas or in albums. I believe in love that transcends the surface, the body and moves onto the mind. Not like someone is playing with a pen thinking of the guy someone loves..smiling at stupid things, not eating..!!
Can there be even any overtly stupid expressions as these?? Whatever.
The brand of love I am possessed with is not any that you would have experienced. I love fiercely every one I meet, get close with and move along. My love is of the hot nature that sears anyone who comes near but is not limited to one. Not even limited to sex, caste, creed, nothing.
It is just love beyond anything. I don't care if it is a guy, girl, animal.. nothing escapes once it endears itself to me. I also don't believe in this fixating kind of love for a single person. How can you in God's infinite variety hope to love only a mere billionth of a tithe smaller than His creation?
Prakash's link in the last comment was an essay after my own heart. It is something I relished reading. I don't know. These days maybe you can say I have become a gnani of sorts. I understand that proposals or rejections do not mean a thing. They are mere words. There are thousands and thousands of suitable boyz and gurlz out there. Do they all get married? Love transcends all these barriers. Pure and constant love for humanity. Humans. though a selected few they may be.
Being 24 and single, I think a lot of times about getting married to Mr.Right. Who is Mr.Right? What are his characters? Who is the judge? Often my mother tells me that my husband should be pristine and must not have loved somebody before or things like that.
She does so in her best of her intentions. But think of this. A 27-29 year old guy who has never never never loved a girl? Is it really possible. Think of the other way too. Is it possible that a girl of 21-24 has never a star in her eyes due to a special someone?
I dont think it is normal if it is so. "I have never met a person I would liked to have known better" must probably be the most untruthful statement ever. Just because you did not have the courage to go that extra mile. Maybe you were afraid of your parents, maybe you had some doubts, maybe you liked somebody else just a bit further...Whatever the excuses are..Excuses are never reasons.
But you are not guilty anyway. Or I feel you. The God who made Man and Wife as the much represented symbol of love in the world, in His infinite wisdom gave the Heart a thousand times..why even a billion times more to love. And love equally. He gave us also silence.
Silence and the heart..
When you are silent,
sitting by the sycamore tree,
Only the sound of your heartbeats
Thrashing across your chests
Hoping to set you free.
From the rigidity of love
and the false notions of faithfulness..
Speak and speak silently.
For God hears your unsaid love.
A tear from the eye..A sigh from the heart..
They go a longer way than the words from the mouth.
Hail Love. Hail life. Hail the Holy Father in Heaven.
May the Lord be Praised
Amen
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Back home
Most of blogs these start with the sentence, "its been a long time...". Actually it has not been. There has been so many issues and so things I had wanted to write about. Actually wrote about and then decided not to post it...One reason the browzer in India was pathetic...Took an hour to even navigate to the new blogs page.
MS Word has been my scrap book offlate and since I am back in the US without my desktop(snuggled safely back home..), my thoughts have been lost..
India..three months and half. Man!! The first month I was ecstastic. The second seriously bored and the third, suddenly nostalgic for my UG years and hated to leave India.. :))) hmm..
I am happy to back in Lexington. For Swami Krishna says, duty is the most important of all. Life may be good with appa, amma, patti and kovil. But I am not needed there. My karma lies here. So all in good time. My leg healed to an extent. I am back.
Of all the most dangerous things in the world..I think love is the most dangerous one. It has to be avoided at all costs.. My love for my mom, appa and patti almost blinds me and makes me stray from my path. It is that which engulfs me and swallows me like the creature that ate my hero, Captain Sparrow.
Love.. It has separated me from my friends. Both of them fell in love and conveniently tossed me out of their lifes. The closest person in my life,my idol, a deity did the same.
It makes enemies out of friends. It makes killers among good people. It corrupts the soul. There are so many different kinds of love that are poisonous. Love for money, women, men, and so many other pathetic deluded things that swamp the human mind. Ego, the love of recognition, everything..
The purest of these is the devotion to God. Do not ever say God-fearing. Say God loving. The love for all His creatures, His burdens, the thought of giving everything up for Him..I am reminded of the story of Kuresha. His love for Ramanuja that made Him sacrifice His eyes for the Master.
The love of God himself for His creatures. The love of the Holy Mother. A mother's love. Maybe that is the purest. Even over God.
There are two interesting parallels in both Manickavasagar and Thirumangai azhwar's pasurams. "Thaiyinum sala parinthootum.." and "Petra thaiyinum ayinach cheiyum.."
Maybe that's what that beckons me over land, water and space. My mother's voice.
I can only say.."Samsarasagara samuththaranaika setho" --- "Perum piravi karum kadalil, Karai punarkkum sethu anaiye"
Adiyen
MS Word has been my scrap book offlate and since I am back in the US without my desktop(snuggled safely back home..), my thoughts have been lost..
India..three months and half. Man!! The first month I was ecstastic. The second seriously bored and the third, suddenly nostalgic for my UG years and hated to leave India.. :))) hmm..
I am happy to back in Lexington. For Swami Krishna says, duty is the most important of all. Life may be good with appa, amma, patti and kovil. But I am not needed there. My karma lies here. So all in good time. My leg healed to an extent. I am back.
Of all the most dangerous things in the world..I think love is the most dangerous one. It has to be avoided at all costs.. My love for my mom, appa and patti almost blinds me and makes me stray from my path. It is that which engulfs me and swallows me like the creature that ate my hero, Captain Sparrow.
Love.. It has separated me from my friends. Both of them fell in love and conveniently tossed me out of their lifes. The closest person in my life,my idol, a deity did the same.
It makes enemies out of friends. It makes killers among good people. It corrupts the soul. There are so many different kinds of love that are poisonous. Love for money, women, men, and so many other pathetic deluded things that swamp the human mind. Ego, the love of recognition, everything..
The purest of these is the devotion to God. Do not ever say God-fearing. Say God loving. The love for all His creatures, His burdens, the thought of giving everything up for Him..I am reminded of the story of Kuresha. His love for Ramanuja that made Him sacrifice His eyes for the Master.
The love of God himself for His creatures. The love of the Holy Mother. A mother's love. Maybe that is the purest. Even over God.
There are two interesting parallels in both Manickavasagar and Thirumangai azhwar's pasurams. "Thaiyinum sala parinthootum.." and "Petra thaiyinum ayinach cheiyum.."
Maybe that's what that beckons me over land, water and space. My mother's voice.
I can only say.."Samsarasagara samuththaranaika setho" --- "Perum piravi karum kadalil, Karai punarkkum sethu anaiye"
Adiyen
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