I love you Mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Intha ulagathuliya ammangra orava than Emperuman kooda vilai mathipillathatha consider panrar nu nenaikaren. Even alwar sings of the Lord, as " petra thaiyinum aayina seiyum" and nayanmar as "thaiyinum sala parinthootum". When Karaikal ammaiyar comes to Kailayam, Lord Siva refers to her as "my mother".

I was thinking about how my life was being shaped and what I am coming to. I needed to think about my positives and remembered that I had one awesome mom and dad combo in the world.

amma.

Na kanna moodum pothey kanlernthu thanni varathu. If I had a fixture ever in my life, it has been mom, mom and mom all the way. She has been with me all through my 23 years. I left her to come for the US and it has been one decision I think I shall live to regret.

The first thing that I can ever remember when I look beyond all these years to the point when I was a small kid is my mom. Hugging me, scolding me, Kissing, Laughing, crying, caring..A kaleidoscope of emotions play their colours with me.

Her long hair plaited neatly. I have my hands fully into it and am pulling it to pieces. :) Amma, patiently holding me in her arms. I am just 2.

Amma dressing me in a beautiful Pattu pavadai. It is karthigai and I am being an handful by pouring oil out of the lamps, blowing the lights off... I am still 2.

Me getting lost. Amma sobbing her heart out. Amma looks so so beautiful. Slim, mentally very strong, amma. I am three. I have just started school.

Four. I am learning lessons from her. She is so impatient. She does not even want me making a single mistake.:) Appa takes over as my teacher. I am 4.

As I grow up. Amma grows up too. I see her becoming old. Her mental resolve shaken by numerous visits to the hospital for appa. Our very life a question mark. I close my eyes.

I start going to the dance class. I can see the pride in her face as she tells her collegues that I am learning Bharatnatyam. I make childish gestures and see the pride brimming in her face. I am 6.

I think I just ran through my childhood. Lots and lots of friends. Happy as a street urchin. For the first time, I see consternation writ on her face. "Ulla podi. Eru appa varatum".. I think I am 10.

12,13,14...life runs as in a race. Is that me?
I remember how proud she was when the Adarsh principle said, "Your daughter has very good marks. I shall be happy to have her here". I replied, "I shall be happy in DAV". Amma, feeling that she had done me an injustice. I am 15.

wow!! In a saree looking like a 20 year old. In my high school graduation. I am 17. The first time I wore a saree, it was mom's. A lovely Kancheevaram saree folded with care. Smelling of mom. As I wore it, I felt the love that enveloped me.

Amma. Patiently tying my long long hair into a plait. Poo chuthi, rakhkodi, mattal. I am looking like a bride. The next day, I cut my hair. That which had taken mom 10 years to grow. Gone in a single second. I came home and for the first time mom cried. I cried with her. Any number of sorries would not suffice and as a punishment my hair never grew long then a few inches.

I am into SVCE. Quiet as a door mouse. Amma terribly worried about my personality. She talks of incessant dullness in me. I am not responding. I dont even look at her in her face. Those four years. A recurring theme in my life. The utter unhappy state that I left my family in..I am 21.

Amma. Listening to the reports that my relative had to make at my cousin's wedding. "Sugantha. Gayathri samathu. Romba nanna eruka. Aduthathu ava kalyanam than.". 21 still.

My first proposal. "Sugantha, unga ponna en paiyanukku...". Mami kovilla keeta odana, amma so happy. Her face shining with absolute happiness. Me. Flat no. Her face falling to the floor. Me. Taking no notice.
Amma Kaal operation. She is just back from hospital. I have to take a dress to tailor. Am shouting at mom. "Amma, seekiram vamma. Poganum. neram achu. kelambu ma. nee enaku ethuvume seiya matengra"..

Amma runs. Falls down again.Second operation. Everything because of me. Her leg has never been allright till date. Because of me. All tears and prayers havent been enough. Am 22.

"Amma. Na America poganum. Financial status kku paisa venum. Enna panna pora?" -- Me, 22
Visa rejected. Amma positive about it. I shouting at her in her face. -22

Kadana vudana vangi. Amma. Showing 40 lakhs. Wistful. "Appa ku mattum odambu sariya eruntha!!!"..22

Lufthansa.."See ya mom."- 23
Amma crying. Me too. -23

I think I have never realised how strong our parents have been. I guess most of us have worked our way up from the poverty line to the middle class and upper middle class only because of the fortitude of amma and appa.

My mom is still young. Young at heart. She, who could not have more than 2 sarees when she was young. At whom lifes atrocities were heaped.She went to work at 18. She has never stopped till date. Rain/shine/illness nothing has stopped her. When she buys me sarees, she feels the happiness as though she wears it. She beholds her younger periods at every instant of my life. She has watched me grow as though I was herself. She has given me everything she has and much more. Forgetting all her disappointments and failures, she has worked to make me a success. Her shopping sense. Her way of dealing with things. Her ever righteous behaviour. Her prayer for the best of everyone. Her fears and expectations of the aspect of my marriage. The pleasure she proposes at having to choose my husband.

Amma.

I cant be even half good at being a mother as she is.

Thanks God. Whoever you are. You are. For my mom is the living proof of it.

Thillana Mohanambal

It was the time when I had just started dance classes in full ardor. Dreams of becoming the next padmini and dominate the screen had started their deceitful webs in my mind. Amma and appa poured in fuel to the fire and I was practising hard. I was around 8 at that time.

I had watched thillana mohanambal a 1000 times in video and doordarshan. Padmini and ragini were a cult to me. Do not know why but I always liked ragini better than padmini. But still as ragini passed away early, I was enamoured of padmini. Also Vyjayanthi mala Bali had never a competer in any standards. The dance sequence in Vanjikkottai valiban was clearly a show of prowess of VB.

I am digressing. I read of the sad demise of Shri. Padmini today. I was clearly affected. For here was a great pioneer in dance who had done so much for the art that it can possibly be never appreciated how much. The spread of Bharatanatyam overseas was mainly due to her. I was surprised to read that the former soviet union had had a stamp issued in her honour. She won the best classical dancer in a Russian dance festival.

Her legacy is rich and replete with honours. Her films were varied from playing a selfless chithi to a plotting grandmother who hates her daughter memories and learns to respect it later in her later years. Thillana Mohanambal where she plays the title role is a different league altogether.

I respect her. Her memory and bare my head to her. May her memory be cherished always.

The twin demise of Shri.Jikki also took my heart away for a moment. Her voice that has enthralled millions of our parents :)). She was the consort of Shri.A.M.Raja and were a much respected couple in playback singing of yesteryears.

Though after Raja's demise in a train accident, she stopped singing, I guess nobody would ever forget that voice that crooned immortal songs. Again, "kannum kannum kalanthu.." from Vanjikkotai valiban takes the cake.

I mourn this loss deeply. I feel that today's singers and dancers need to look back and learn the "bhava" that flows in their predecessors. It is not the rules.It is not the structuring. It is not even the voice. It is the heart that is beckons the listener. The expressions that pull the viewer into the drama. It is the soul that overflows through the voice.

I feel in losing these two stalwarts in a short span, indeed we have been deprived of great art that was living amidst us.

Amen

Ona cold and frosty morning..

This morning was a cold, snowy, morning...Did not get the inclination to get up and walk to starbucks for an early round of coffee.. But still did it. as I was walking along the streets noticed snow..a childish desire to write names and delete them took possession over me.

Like an ebullient child under the supervision of an indulgent parent, wrote and rewrote words and names over and over again in the snow..Obliterated each one and continued afresh.
The entire route form my place to starbucks was totally my footprints!! I felt I had escaped notice until a child behind whispered conspiratorially to his mom "I think she has learnt to write alphabets"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blushing to the depth of my hair roots, which is saying a lot :: to catch me blushing is truly amazing... I went to starbucks, tookover a vanilla latte.. It was early in the day.around 7:00am.There were sounds of the morning but unlike those in India..took me back in time to Mylapore where..

Morning 5:30 Household noises start creeping into your dreams. Amma, her long hair washed and delightful in shikakai, patti running about cleaning the house of yesterday's "pathu"(never got to what she meant by it:probably included me too). I usually slept on the floor with a neat kambalam(now wound tightly around myself)underneath. Pattering of footsteps as amma moved around the house.

Metti oli than!!! vasalla thanni thelichu kolam podara satham. Parthasarthy Perumal kovil Sahasranamam,music...streets slowly comes to life..House starts smelling delightfully: Sambrani+otthuvathi+Perumal sannithi : delightful.. suddenly another smell intrudes: beyond which it is no longer possible to sleep: FRESHLY BREWED COFFEE: filter coffee..Can the vanilla lattes of starbucks even come close to it!!! never... still the last vestiges of sleep and reluctance to face the day tie me to the floor....

Appa switches on the radio "Kaushalya Supraja...".(ting ting ting..) "Amma pal vanthurukku" --engathu pal karan vanthutan..

patti hurries out "kuzhanda thoongara-kathathiyenda";

velan : "papa thoonginda eruku?ezupividu ma! padikara pulla eppidiya? suriyan vanthachu?"

appa," ennikume suriyan ellama elaiyala onnum panna mudiyathu"-political comment vera.,. amma,"setha nazhi unga politics vittu eruka mudiyathey!!!"patti," etho exam nu sonnale ezupu da avala".."chellam,kannukutti, ezuntiruda kanna, exam ponnumono..sarang vanthuduvan paru. ellam eduthu vachukanum.."

Amma gently pulls me out.apdiye rendu nimisham, in amma's embrace.. Perusa oru sombal murichu time patha :6:00am... after half an hour of dreaming and brushing my teeth, coffee and The Hindu...7:00am..trinkle trinkle trinkle..aiyo vanthutanya vanthutan!!!! ennoda yeman!!!

sarang "ENDI READYIA? na poren ni va...vetti! cha!! somberi!! mami: enna unga ponnu.....10 nimshathula prayer..." My day had begun..with the richness of sound only Triplicane can provide...
hark!!! I can listen to it now!! a heart shouting"hamsa ezunthuru di".... another mingles with it: "10 nimishathula prayer..."
song on my lips now: enna satham entha neram....

The ghost who wanted help popping a lock!!!

Here I am. It is 3:45 in the morning and I am typing out a blog. But this was so funny that I wanted to record it in that instant. You know, the feelings and emotions that are lost once are lost forever.

It was Sunday evening. I was loath to start my math assignment that was due Monday morning. I was postponing it to an end and to aid me in that process my friend came home for dinner. As we were finishing a long dinner, my roomie, my friend and I, were talking of films to videos to TV and finally to programs. And then.!! Ghosts. There was serial called haunting and our friend was entertaining us with the gory details of it. My roomie and I were adding to the scene by shudders and oohs and aahs..Finally I decided to leave to the lab. But was afraid to after all these talks and asked my friend to accompany me. As we were going to the lab, we spent more time dwelling on the topic.

I was afraid to stay in the lab and there was only my lab mate who looked a lot of times like a skeleton of his body. I hurried home with my friend after collecting the necessary stuff for my class. I decided to work at his house as I could hear “New York Nagaram..” as I worked for there was no internet at my place.

I finished the hazy outlines for my homework and left his house as he dozed off soon. It was around 1:00 that time. I can home. Locked the house and tidied my room. 2:30 Am. I wanted to complete my homework so I switched places to the hall. Pondering on integrating a function along a circumference of a circle..when…

Knock Knock knock.. Dham Dham Dham!!!

I literally jumped out of my skin. It was 3:30 :A god forsaken hour.!! Who the heck was it. Before my mind could form a concrete explanation, my heart had jumped into my mouth and I ran into the bedroom and shouted “Soddy Soddy..” She jumped out of bed and shouted “what what ??”// @#$%%^ blasphemies. I was like, “There is somebody knocking the door and I am frightened” I was shouting incoherently. Oh God!! I am really rolling on the floor while I am writing this, You should have been here!!! Wow!!!

I was sure that some miscreant ghost had at last found its way into the house and was going to kill me. My roomie was shouting out instructions, “Go.. switch off the music. It must be the neighbors complaining.(Oh yeah!! I had the volume at the highest with ARR going Fana…), Don’t open the door, ask who it is..!! All this without moving from her place. Man!! But she is not to be blamed.

I switched off the music, asked “who is this?””

Voice : “ Hey!! This is your neighbour. I locked my selves out. Can u help me? “
Me : “what!! Do u want me to pop the lock???” (By now, my mind had finally taken over though my heart was going 120 strong..)
Voice : “yup. Can you? “
Me : “what!! No I cant. I don’t know how to.”

I was now sure that it was a miscreant all right but no ghost. I was now into thinking that it was a thief trying to get into my neighbor’s apartment as I knew my neighbor well.

Voice : “Please look thru the blinds I am tired!!!”
Me: (opening the blinds), “yeah??” (It’s human all right!!!)

Man : “Can you give me eleven dollars? I need to pay the locksmith. He is here and popping the lock. I will write out a cheque for you later”
Me : (Oh!! This is your game??) “Sorry sir, we don’t keep money in the house”.
Man: Resigned sigh!! Left.


I went inside. Explained the situation to my roomie (who had not moved an inch). We had a great laugh. Literally rolling on the floor wiping out the tears from our eyes.!!! I left the door to her room half opened and came outside to continue my homework. I accept that I was absolutely chicken!! But I am to be excused. I was laughing so much that I felt I should write this out, and here it is @ 4:08 on a 18th September morning and I am laughing. Hope it will be a great day..

The scent of a woman.

I have seen a strange syndrome pervade the late teens and early ties of the human life. I think I will choose to call it the early Fall of the human life cycle. The remembrances, the nostalgia and the tears that fall unashamedly in our lifes could have only links to this page. I have not yet met a person who would claim that she/ he would not have been afflicted by this malady.

Etha pathi epdi pesaren nu ungalukke theriyum nu nenaikaren. Ammam saar. Paazha pona entha kathala pathi than. Sattaya kizhuchindu paithiyama thiriya vekkara antha kathal than saar. Vaazhkaila..Ok. neenga enough tamil cinemas pathu erupeenga nu nenaikaren. So I will stop making hackneyed statement about the so called "purest feeling in this world".

Neenga epdi nu ennaku theriyathu. Ana ellarume oru nimisham kanna moodi antha ninaivugala nenjukku kondu vanthu parunga. Antha ilam pani kalangalai..

Cinemala oru pattu vantha. antha lyrics. antha emotion. When you are in love, the song really seems to be exactly fit for you. "custom made". Ayiram ayiram thadavai per ezuthi parpathu. rendu peraiyum enaithu ezuthi parpathil undagum antha anantham.

Kalaiyila college kelambum pothu, books ellam vida, exams a vida, dress ellam sariya eruka? thala vari erukoma, face nalla eruka nu check list potta antha naal ninaivugal.

Ethiraj povatharkaga 27 H kaga kathu erukum antha manithuligal. Antha siriya edaiviligalil nadatherum antha nadagam. Buskku late a vanthuta college kku late povomgra antha gynabagathai vida, "Aiyo. I think I have missed him" gra antha ottam. Sapada kooda maranthu vechutu ennadi ootam endru amma solvathai kooda kathu kelamal antha ootam..

Kovil, antha arasanin maligayil nam kaithigalaga eruntha antha nerangalil kooda kapatra varum antha "Knight in shining armour".

Kalaiyil kangal santhithithu vittal pothume. Ozhithan namban!! "Dey, I think she saw me. No. No. I am imagining things". "ella da. nanum pathen. Unna than patha"..Nambanin melliya uruthi mozhi..

kadaiagalin peyar, pattin varigal, kural, antha vasam, udai, nadai, bhavanaigal. Ethilyum unnai nan kanda antha paruvam. Adada!! Maraka marukkiren. Unnai alla. Antha ninaivugalai.

Mugathil melirntha antha melliya sirippai. Nee ennai kandu kondu vittai endra antha pun muruvalai. En mughathil sevanthu erukum antha kovai kani ai.

Nee nadanthu sendra pathai, nee amartha antha naarkali, un kai patta pena, un vasam veesum un araiyai, unnaku piditha padalai, un thanthai thaiyai. Nan enathakki konda antha naatkal.

Kathalal nan unnai thodarnthu ennai tholathai antha naatkal.
Kann moodum antha noodigailil kooda un ninaivai mooda en manathai,
Kanavilum unnidan solla mudiya en kathalai,
Kanavaai en manathil marainthu,
Mariyin mohanathil melirum panithuliyai..

Marakka marukkiren..

Unnai alla.
un ninaivai alla.
Nan ennai maranthu meghathin ambariyil seitha payanathai.
Mazhaiyai bhoomikku thirumbiya antha nerangalai.

Fall

It is a beautiful day here in Kentucky. Clouds have dulled the splendor of the sun and the trees are dancing to the tune of a clipping wind. Rains lash down once in a while and take a break.Only to catch us unawares again.

Do not know if it is the weather or the beginning of Fall has me in this melancholy mood. I see trees crowned with green green leaves. Beginning to turn colour to orange and leave the tree soon in its most needed time, the winter. It has to go through a period of loneliness when friends such as its leaves would have sheltered and protected it.

Reminds me so much of my childhood that I break into tears everytime I see such a tree. Bare, Tall, leafless and throwing no shadow. As they look up into the sky for succor from the blasted cold, the insensitivity of the winter that lashes it. Often only to be replied by a blast of brilliant white leaving nothing behind but a charred smell in the air. Delivered!!

How many times had my little heart that knew not but to ooze love into the cold world around it been charred by the insensitivity of the humans around it. How many times had I prayed for friends! The pain that I feel when I look back and recollect that my leaves left me the first thing every season.

Appa.Why? After all these years ghosts should come to haunt me again. It is too painful. All I want to do is to close my eyes to stop the tears from flowing. Please God. Stop it. Stop right there.

I had not been friendless all my life. I was once a popular fun loving kid..Fifteen years ago...

I am in Gill Adarsh. Royapettah. A Co ed school. All boys talk to me. Whoa!! Look at me?? I am looking like a small boy myself. Hair cut in a boy cut. I am in the second grade. I am running with them. Catching up and hitting that kutti fellow right across his nose!! PT Master pulls up both of us apart.

A regular PT period. Replete with cuts and scratches. Amma scolding me at home. "Eppidi Pinnafore a kizichundu vanthu erukiye di!!!!!"" Narayana!!

Next morning me and Hari rickshawing to school as though nothing happened. Sugantha, Vikram, Ragav, Srinath, Bashyam, Satish, Thayagu, Lakshmi, Indu, Me,...Lots of flowers in a bloooming tree.

Of all of them Sugantha and I were best of friends. I loved her with as much my little heart could afford. More than Ice creams, Pencils or erasers. More than the beach. As I moved with her, I would go on to give everything I have. Life moves.

Sixth Grade. I leave the school. She stays behind. I cry. For the first time in life. Was it a precusor of the most horrible time of my life @Adarsh? Did I know i would be fated to a life alone even then? I dont know. But now, I can compare those tears to that of an infant's first cry on being born in this world. To leave its security to come into the cruel world that it is,. Bad bargain!!!

Ninth Grade. She also joins Adarsh. Our friendship is renewed. But on her terms.

Tenth Grade. She accuses me of feeling envious about her proficiency award. I stand devastated. Is there any way that an average student can ever ever feel envious over the topper. If I was the second ranker, what she said might have been true. Me!! My math marks often deprived me of a rank. What connects the proficiency prize to me???

I stand. Devoid and friendless.....

When I had joined in Adarsh, I had a good friend who was to me becoming a true friend. My heart chose to envelope her in a peculiar way. At its best, our friendship was spiritual. It was divine.

I dont even want to talk about what happened after college. College was a very difficult time for me. I was the principal's daughter. I was shunned by mindless idiots. ****** students. To make matters worse, I was in the mechanical Department.

Antha naalu varsham. Accused from everything from getting question papers from dad to having my papers modified in the University. I cry even now. Those four years. They were a nightmare. I underwent a personality shift. I became severely reticient. I was afraid to open my mouth in public. To top it all. Braces!! At the start of college!!!

Needless to say, I lost my friend again to a bunch of mindless brats. Tears. They were me. Crying always. But I had a great guy in my first year. If I dont mention him, then May I be cursed to a century of loneliness and more than that: deserve it.

Pavan. Jayanthi Pavan Kumar. He stood by me and guided me thru college. I lost him happily to his girl friend who I am sure by now is his wife.

Today I stand alone. I dont need anybody. I am independant. I can play a game of squash by myselves. I learnt to talk with the cat or play with the wall. Literally.

But then. I did not know all this. I can never ever forget the damages that these did to my self esteem or to my personality. I try to keep my thoughts to myself. I dont move round with much people. I keep a close circle. I dont want to forget though. I just dont want reminding..

But, when I am walking on the road. I see a tree crying to its leaves not to leave it. Asking wind to be a bit merciful. My eyes fill up with tears for a heart which was torn and left in the mud to rot. It goes to the tree and hugs it and whispers, Kindred soul.

A penny into the wishing well

I closed my eyes to pray. I was in my favorite temple :Parthasarathy Perumal Koil in Madras, Triplicane. "Vedhathai Vedathin suvai payanai.." chanted the Thirumangai alwar's pasuram in pristine tamil.
I opened my eyes to see the Lord in crowning glory. I smiled and left. As I walking in the Praharam, I was reminded of all my child hood happiness in this temple. I took a seat near the Vedavalli Thayar sannithi and rewound time. Spent a few eons in the timeless happiness of nostalgia..

As I had once walked along with patti, holding my hand, hair oiled and plaited, Jadai nagam and kunjalam firmly in place, a necklace shimmering in my neck. Pattu pavadai and sattai of brilliant blue. Hands in bangles and feet set in anklets. I think I was three at that time. My most vivid memories were of that time. I remember everything that happened around that time. Dont know why.

Lost my way from school(ran away from LKG class) and landed up on the bench of sub inspector of police, Triplicane. I remember everything from that instant. I can relive another 20 years just thinking of what had happened these twenty years.

I am crying. My cherubic face which had lost all touches with the little familiarity it had known. I repeat "Sampath appa, Sugantha amma, Bala anna, patti" over and over again with the blundering tone of an infant. The sub inspector not knowing what to do with me.

He puts me in a rickshaw and takes me all over Triplicane. Street by street, when I shout "Ellaman Koil..Ellaman Koil". Till date, I believe the only reason as to what I am today is that temple and the Goddess who reigns in it. She roped me back to my territory. The love that parents had afforded to me would have been all lost if I had fallen into other's hands. Even now my father does not remember the incident without a shudder.

Getting back. That day I guess I made my first wish. "("Please. Whoever you are"--unspoken)Amma pakkanum. Appa venum. Annaaaa.." My first message to God. Heard and replied instantly.

Is there even a moment of our lifes that we live without making a wish?? Anybody??No. We pray even if it is to ourselves or to other humans constantly of something or the other constantly. For that is the only hope that mankind has got. To believe that somebody might hear them and make their lives better.

So I thought it would be a beautiful way to think about my wishes to God and about its direct consequences.

One of my first wishes were that "I should die before Mom and dad." I used to be smothered in their affection and love for me that even today I pray to God that my wish remains unchanged. I dont ever want to live without both of them.

I had everyday prayers which went like :
1. Amma should never come to know that I broke those blue bangles,
2. I should get a rubber out of the great box that appa got from Singapore. (I hate mom. She does not give me even one measly rubber!!!)
3. Sweets. Ice creamssssssssss
4. Beach poganum!!!
5.Homework e eruka koodathu entha olagathuliye. Enna mathri kutti papas kku atleast!!! Please pa.
6. Maths ma'am innikku absent a erukanum. I have not done my homework(This EVERYDAY).
7. Appa report card a padikama sign podanum.(again. every trimester!! sigh!!)
and lots and lots of petty things and pretty ones too.

As I grew up my wishes grew less petulant and more meaningful : As meaningful as life gets to a teenager.
1. Appa,(refer to God), Inniku saranga na pakkanum. Pesanum.
2. Sarang kooda sandai. Please sorry keka veiungo(Avana).
3. Gotta meet that handsome guy from DAV.!! Tenth doubts,. (Amma, na karthikka pathutu varen)
4. Andava!! Inniku enna mani ratnam pathu ethavathu sooper padathula Heroine a!! atleast hero voda thangaiya poda mattara??? Appuram I can move to the top.
5. Cha! Antha fair and lovely advertisement la vara ponnu eppdi eruka? Nannum avala mathri?
6. Amma antha salwar enakku Diwali kku vangi tharanum..

Lots and lots of petty quarrels and fights. Wishes as meaningful as How humans can eat crabs to crabs.,

Then I progressed onto.
1. GRE la 2400 adikanum
2. English la state rank.
3. Maths teacher oziga!! Hate her.
4. Aiyo!!Na kannadi pottuka matten,. Andava!!"enna mani ratnam patha??? soda butti nu soliduvare!!"
5. America.
6. IIT/ BITS, Pilani.
7. Aiyo!!atleast SVCE??
8. Thanks pa!! SVCE
9. please appa. "ennaku friends venum! ennoda pesa yaravathu? oruthar"
10. Thanks pa. Akila.
11. Onnume illa. Thanks.

Finally I found that after I finished my college I had nothing to wish for. I had no illusions left in life. I am a loner. Friends? Few and far in between. But happy. As happy as a rain in spring.

These days. I pray for others. Amma, appa, patti, friends, Anna, Manni. The world. The earth. Nature. (May all these be not destroyed by the ugliness of Man.!) Many many unfortunate souls in the world.

Once after watching a ghost movie, I surprised myself. My craziness had just reached a pinnacle. I prayed for the unfortunate lost souls in the world for God to move them to a safer place and give them happiness and peace atlast.

Did I stop becos I got everything I wanted? Can that ever be possible?? man getting everything he wants. No. I found out very soon that I am asking of Him who can grant the Universe, a pebble. I found that what He deems to me is far far better than what I ask Him.

Today. When I close my eyes to pray.My thoughts go..

"Ichuvai Thavira yan poi enthira logam aalum achuvai perinum venden Arangama Nagarulane."

Avan arulale avan thal vanangi..

Hmm..

I really did not what to name this one..I was just thinking about home and I realised suddenly that I was purring softly Hmm. So translated it to the title.

One thing that can never be beat by anything else is the beach. Living on the edge would not mean anything else. We live right by the brink of the sea. A walk of 10 minutes , 1 minute as the crow flies. Thats all. We had all along our lives right from my great grand father's sojourn at chennai which later drove us in droves to Chennai imagined it to be placid creature uncapable of anything other than mildly lapping at the shores.

The december 2004 Tsunami proved us wrong. If I had been in America then, I would have panicked like mad. Calls placed frantically, running around trying to located friends and relatives. But I was in India and in Triplicane when diaster struck. The first throes were people totally disoriented. It was something really unimaginable. They had mapped out the sea. They fished. They salted. They lived. They existed by her shores. She was their Goddess. Merciful and bountiful, She fed them, clothed and made them human. But suddenly she released Her wrath at those She had loved dearly. Mistrust grew. They Her trust no longer.

What happened that day was utterly unimaginable. The sea. My sea. The long hours I had spent on her shores building castles, playing frisbees, bajji, manga, playing catch with the waves..

The moment we knew there was a tsunami, a morbid curiosity arose in us to see the extended shoreline. Knowing not what nature had in store, we rushed to the spot. Man!! I can never ever describe the scene. The shore actually extended to somewhere till Vivekanadar Illam. Dead and despairing on one side. The fisher folk altogether almost erased from the shores.

That day shall remain evergreen in my mind.

As a child, all I thought of the sea was She was of the beautiful blue I loved. She threw bubbles at me, for me to catch and delighted young and old alike. Long walks, confidences with my father( I took an eraser from balaji today, I stole an appam from the plate before offering it to Ummachi. Will God punish me for biting Vinod? My math marks..Boo Hoo.).

As I grew older, She conjured up images of visions and shores far off. I pictured myself walking to Orissa just by walking along the shores. Patha Yatra. I pictured setting sail on a big ship to Singapore. All books I read spoke of treasures under the sea. I literally used to believe that there were galleons ad galleons of Spanish gold buried for me to find. I became a marine off shore explorer. Attired in the heavy robes and cast into the depths in a bathyscape. Found gold mines and diamonds and jewels under the sea.

Older I became, when my thoughts took a more mature turn. I would picture Vivekanandar returning from America and prostating on the Indian soil. Of thousands of speeches that had been heard here before Independance.

Still I grew when I realised that before Her I was puny. As puny as the smallest microbe to the biggest whale. She could capture me and hold me in ferrets for as long as She deems to. The necessary and sufficient(I had a math quiz this morning!!) condition to disprove the hypothesis that Man reigns supreme in this world. There is no God. Yes. But there is the sea.

Man. His immense ego as The Creation.

All brought to dust that one morning when at last I learnt that she could and would kill. My love for the sea is now more poignant. I cry when I feel Her. Her cruelty that day that forever separated me from Her. That She like the whimsical man and his supreme ego showed the world what She could do. Showed my world.

The thin line that had separated my friends from danger that day. They were to play a match on the beach that morning. So many other unfortunte kids. Girls collecting sea shells. Beggars who have nowhere else to go. All those She embraced.

The last time I went to the beach was on that day. I left India bound for America. No. Not by my childhood dreams. I flew. This time when I returned to Madras, I felt the need for inner peace. My quiet insecurities made insignificant by the sound of wind, the salt laced air. All that reminds me that in all corners of the Universe, things obviously far far bigger than whether I got A in System Optimization were going on.

As I stood gazing to the far shores..I cried as Legolas did.

In land shall no longer your heart rest..If the cry of the gulls you heard.

The sea. The sea.

I own the dead man's chest now.

Home again..Though not alone..

Entered home to a great fanfare. Actually embarrassed by it. :) All my parents did not do was to have a band playing at the entrance to our street!!!.

"Eh..kada veethi kalakakum, enn chella ponnu..ava nadanthu vantha..."

As I was being petted by everyone in the street, (Hey!! I was the street's favorite!!. When I left for the US, everyone were like "When r we going to see you lift water? shout at the van vendors? Steal bats from small boys in the street? Your monkey antics....") I was drowned in the affection.

The phone rung continously. Until appachi ordered it off. Jet lag? Me? not at all. After all I trot galaxies. I distributed everything I had bought leaving nobody's curiosity to doubts. It was 9:00 when I went to the temple..

The temple...

If you had the years that I have spent in that dear old place. To behold the Lord, it was like being reborn. My chest swelled up as if to include the infinte mercy the Lord had shown to be seeing me again. This one year has been a lot of troubles. Leaving home was never an easy decision. Being alone, no friends really. It was a misery and after a lot of troubles in the past three months. I just wanted to be back in my mother's lap.

As I bowed my head to the supreme being who plays us like puppets, I wanted never to leave again. Tears welled up and was supressed. I was back.

"Ennama Hamsa? Vanthutiya? enna eppdi eruke? Nanna erukiya? Enime thirumbi poganuma? Padichu mudichacha? Neenga rendu perum ponathu appuram konjam verumana than ma eruker Perumale"

Nannum en friend Lakshmiyum. "Therla mama. Poganum. Ennum oru varusham eruku padichu mudika ve. appuram vela aganum".

"anga thedariya? Perumala vittuta? "

Simple answer. As the priest quelled my doubts in one simple answer, I could not yet bring myself to answer him. Smiled meekly and left.

But this time, I felt the distance that I have never felt in my 9 years of piety. I felt I was on the brim of a sphere and looking inside. I felt fear, doubt and unhappiness assail me for the first time. Does God really take care of me? Then why am I suffering in the USA? Why?? As I sighed deeply, His countenance maintained the only exprssion I had ever beheld. Smile.

"Thelliya singama magia Thevai Thiruvallikeni kandene..."- alwar mangalasasanam..so went the boy priest.


I spent myself on the walls, the pillars, saw scriptures on the old tamil etched on the walls. Remembered every cherished nook where confidences were exchanged. The mirrors..Devoted myself to the history of the temple. Walked down aisles that I had run on as a child. Saw in the dappled sunlight corridors my younger self as I ran.. Pattu pavadai. My long hair plaited neatly..Patti. Nine yards sarila.. MS e nadanthu vara mathri.

"Hamsa odatha di. Ennala mudiyala. Hamsa nillu ma. etho par. Poochi mama vanthuta. Unna pudichi ava paiyannuku kalyanam panni vechuduva. appuram unna athula sethuka matta."...

I saw myself stop dead on my tracks and run to patti. The much maligned poochi mama. The still maligned notion of marriage. I smiled to myself that I was still holding on to that.

After 20 years of wanderings, I am back. At the shore of my land. The ocean of joy. I wanted to drown myself. As in sannithi after sannithi, the interview went on..loads and loads of Prasadams later, I headed out.

I was not one with the eternal being. But actually discovered that I am a shade farther from Him. My mind uncalmed by this visit, turned to the streets.

Mada veethi.. The streets where Perumal holds sway. Porapadu, running around Him with a digital camera. The boys. The girls. The youth. The drunken stupor of youth. Sriram, Venkat, Vijay, sangeetha, Lakshmi, Hamsa, Sarang, Parthasarthi,...As we swaggered around in the confidence that youth and beauty had given us.

Even I write it, even as I stood reliving those wonderful moments..my heart leapt across easily the four years. The night of Diwali..When I awoke to be a woman, as Sriram held my hand and said : "Hamsa, na unna than kalyanam pannipen. vera yaraiyum ella"..

I smiled. I walked to the house opposite to the temple. " Mami, soukiyama? Mama office poitara? Na inniku kathala than vanthen. Koilluku vanthen apdiye pathutu polame nu.."

"Vadi vadi, eppidi eruka? oru varusham odi poiduthe ma? Sriram kku kozhanda porakka porthu theriyumono? Janaki ella. amma athukku kootindu poi erukan. okkaru. kapi sapadriya? " Saroja mami yoda kallam ellatha sirippu.

The childhood intentions of love that sriram had harboured had vanished into mists when he entered college and met Janaki. A year of courtship and wedded bliss later, I meet him again in RMKv last year when shopping for my trip. An embarrased silence later, I said "Sriram, nee sonnathu ellam na manusulaye vechukala. Nee ennoda sagajama eru. sariya?"

I was also matured in the four years that had ensued. As it is in the first place, it was not sriram I was interested in. :))). But I take great pleasure in reminding him of the scene in the motamadi.. lakshmi and venkat in attendance as he proposed.

Antha mottamadi eri poi pathen. nalu varusham odi poiduthungartha namba mudiyala!!!..

keezha erangi "poitu varen mami..". Thirumbi South mada veethi..

Aiyo!! Poochi mama paiyan!!

"Hey hamsa, eppdi erukel? nanna erukela? America ellam eppdi eruku? Enga vara manasu vanthutha? "

ammam da!! unnaku than theriyum america eppdi nu!! Vara manasu vanthuthaman!!.

I had not forgotten that he was the one who stopped me from play. I glared at him and with unwarrented rudeness: " Nannaa eruken. Sari appuram parkalam". Interview over.

I walked home...

A Quick thought

I intercepted this as soon as I thought of it. I was browzing today and suddenly as I was flipping backward and forward among the website like among previous page using "back".

Did you realise that you are accessing a point of frame in time backwards? We are viewing exactly something what has got over and done with.

I know it is all crap about cached memory and it is stored and then reaccessed. Yet it is a sort of time travel.

I wonder?? If there was a cache where everything that has gone by is stored and then closed. If so for what length of time? Where is it? and How do we access it?

You may think I am wacky. No. I am just very much into time travelling. I am sure we can. It is just the fourth dimension!!!!Exasperated...

Are there any instances in the epics that you come across time travel? If you can , share them please and we can look them over..for clues :)))

hamsa