A shot in the bright light

I do not remember when I had my first photograph taken but current records indicate that the first time the lens cracked was when I was around 3. Actually I do not have any embarrasing photos. Many of my friends have photos that are taken at awkward
moments and in dresses that the Emperor wore. But me. No. I was always a well behaved, well dressed kid. My mom atleast took care of all of that.

No finger in nose, no Gandhi ki jai kind of dresses. Always inquisitive : Finger into jam bottle, licking it clean, discovering jam is yummy but you always have to steal it!!! Asking politely for the TV to be switched on. "Mommy, can I watch TV?".

Wondering why I ever ever had to have a stupid elder bro who always seem to take care of things for me : Exactly against me!!! Tucked into amma's arms, cheeks pressed against the Ponds cheek of mommy. Looking at wonder in the first rain that caught my memory. Enjoying that cool breeze against my baby cheeks. In appa's arms, trying to put on the first switch in my life(later had to get the switch fixed at a higggghhher level for it to function beyond 3 days!!!)

In pattu pavadais :all the time!! Amma..Don't you have any fashion sense?? ?Frocks, skirts??? nothing..Only pavadais. But I loved each and every one of them . It used to be a standing joke. Best thing to get full worth of anything was to buy me a Pavadai. I would wear it till every thread wore down!! I still have my favorite pavadai tucked inside my wardrobe in America. Gifted by my uncle, it is one of my much cherished relic of a time long gone.

I always hated sharing frame space with my brother. Anything. After a point he really grew up to be a dear sweetie. But till one stage, we were our mom's biggest concern. Will we kill each other? :)) I think she worries even now. Any how.

I grew out of photos around the time I left GA. I don't know. Everything in my life is in part centred around my life in GA. It was my everything I guess. Walking down the lane again, my favorite teachers, my favorite friends, my happiest memories, me in sports, me in studies, everything was on a superlative in GA. I need to go back this time I go to India.

I just stopped posing for pictures. My first class room in AV was a dark room. In all senses of the word. 6 B I guess. I don't even want to remember. Mosquitoes, stupid, mindless girls, partial teachers who were partial to kids who came from the Branch school and disliked the kutties from GA, biased, opiniated, gurus of dissension. I hated AV even after the first few classes I attended.

I grew dark with the shortening of days. I really don't know how!! Became pudgy? Nope. Fat. Bousy as I liked to call it. My face lost its lustre and the lens could no longer stand me. :) I lost my milk teeth and grew really horrible ones that I was
afraid to smile.

So there ended my tryst with the shutter. Apart from secret dreams that one day the tinseldom would rediscover this beautiful yester year kid star, I never really had any illusions.

When my brother bought me a camera, I focussed all my attentions on Parthasarathi. I have wonderful photos of him. To be cameraically correct, they are horrible. Out of center, not focussed..But everyone of them was/is precious in my eyes. Today when we were photographing an engine for a proc-doc, I was wondering, "Enna ithu Perumal aadi vara mathri theriya matengarthe? What happened to the Lord?" for a split second before I realized it was an engine that we were capturing.

That's what that took me down on this path of shots and shouts. Do not assume I am a narcissist. I am really the lake.

There are possibly two ways when I really need to write something. That's when I seek this blog. When I am unhappy/nervous/confused about something and the other when I am extremely happy. The latter has already seemingly disappeared in the distant horizon..

Yes. I am not feeling very good. I am actually feeling extremely bad. About myself. I am just wondering. What kinda of a 25 year old it would be that nobody ever really trusts? Not even her own brother? Who has been with her for the past 25 years of her life? Or a so called friend who has been with her 13 years? Or somebody who loved, respected and enjoyed her company for 5 years before things finally soured off? I am really at a deep thought stage. I wish I could find out the answer to the question of the world. How many ways can you judge Hamsa to be a back-stabber/no-gooder/ non trust worthy? 42. Million.

Cha. What is the meaning of 25 years of life on this planet when you don't have a friend to tell you that they are engaged? Both of them were my friends. Are my friends. I really wish I could shout from the top of this world., "Oh! Go f*** yourselves"to the rest of this world.. I really do.

Nobody ever understands what really friendship is. But when it is out, It is out. Thats it. There is no way to put it together. There are times when I have made gross mistakes. I have never been able to correct them. My biggest one, being the day I left Gill Adarsh. My school. To a mental asylum called Adarsh. Starting then, I can relate almost every cause of my unhappinesss/ misery to that school. If you have a cute girl for your kid, spare her life. Don't put her to school in Adarsh.

There are no friends in life. No relations. No sufferings. No happiness. Only karma. What you are born to do under the will of God. He alone is the truth. The reason behind I being. In the end, there will be Him and me. Nobody else. Only Him and me.

How to name it?

"Well. I am back!": So goes Samwise Gamgee on his return to the the Shire after Frodo sails away onto the other land with Gandalf. I am back. Means a lot of things.

For one thing, I am back in the blog. I have been writing a number of stuff that remains in the laptop but never sees the light of my blog. So this is the first one after a long time. The past month has been really really busy. For one thing. The other, it has been racy, confusing, tiring and has thrown a lot of me off track.

For a little filling in on what is going on. I moved to NY state. Got a job with a company up there. So trying to move to the new place, new people, new geography, weather,.. It is really nothing like moving to another location back home in India wherein the people change itself intensifies the situation. I got the SAD. Seasonal affection disorder. That's what I call it. It is winter, winter and more winter here. And coming from where I came from, it is summer, all glorius year long. So!! I am really finding it harsh and unwelcoming. Lexington seems to be heaven compared to this. Actually Lexington was Heaven whichever way you take it.

As for the area, it is pretty much threatening. Nothing very comforting about the surroundings like Lexington, where the school pretty much envelops you in its protection. But sitaution is pretty much tense in Lex, as such..Got my car broken into on the first week of my stay here. My laptop, hardisk, DVD collections, all my CDS, Audio, carnatic, software. Everything gone. Felt like my best friend left me once again. For a week I was unconsolable. Cried a lot. But it was my fault. Which brainless dumbo would leave such stuff in the car and sleep up in a hotel room? It was entirely my fault and not the place's.

Then got careless at the factory and bumped my head on a tool. Then got stupid and hit the other side on my car which also swelled up. I was like a comic character as in the archies!!

Peoplewise?? I haven't really had anytime to meet people. But there are not any Indian Indians here. So. But if I drive upto Buffalo/ Pittsburgh/ Rochester/ Cleveland there might be great people to meet. Probably try flying to NY sometime. But still. Here at my place, I am pretty much a loner.

So what happens when all the above comes together? I turn a bumbling, blue blistering barnacle!!! My mind actually turns into billions of them and eats them away itself. Got this hammer pounding steadily into my head: bham. bham. bham..

Wacko. Thats what I have become.

So what did I do? I take a break. TO LEXINGTONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN...I flew to Lexington last weekend and it turns out to be one of my most rewarding holidays. I did some cool stuff. Met my friends and walked a lot. Walked my turf. Should say! Got a new pair of shoes. Got some UK material for my car(which is by the way called Sarang). It is an old blue Toyota Camry, 2003 model. A bit old but enough for a new new driver. (and a new college graduate : hurt the pocket enough!!!)

So the year is turning out to be a pretty trail mix. Got a job and a car(hmmph). Got hurt 3 times. Went to the doctor quite some. got a burn up my leg to show for New year cooking. Moved out of a life. To a new one. And a lonely one. Left Lexington. Missed my brother's marriage for which I really meant to invite you all. But could not!!! Becos I could not go myself.. Selfish little piglet amn't I? AH! The big one. My Bro got married.

"Careful! Things may have shifted during flight!!" is the message that comes to me!.

So that's been a lot of filling in for a long time in a few words. But I missed writing. I missed reading. I missed every one of the things that made life happy in Lexington. Coffee, makkal, blogs, school, the roads, the walking, the speech, the sounds, the noises, the music. Every single thing that has made life away from home a little more eay to live.

But I got a new job for which I need to be thankful for. God has opened up a new chapter in my life. I need to find myself again and move on. And I shall endeavour to do precisely it from today. I got a sense of purpose. A way of giving back to the society that brought me up.

I shall be back with a lot more in the days to come.Maybe we shall some pictures here pretty soon.

Till then..Adios amigos!!