Fall

It is a beautiful day here in Kentucky. Clouds have dulled the splendor of the sun and the trees are dancing to the tune of a clipping wind. Rains lash down once in a while and take a break.Only to catch us unawares again.

Do not know if it is the weather or the beginning of Fall has me in this melancholy mood. I see trees crowned with green green leaves. Beginning to turn colour to orange and leave the tree soon in its most needed time, the winter. It has to go through a period of loneliness when friends such as its leaves would have sheltered and protected it.

Reminds me so much of my childhood that I break into tears everytime I see such a tree. Bare, Tall, leafless and throwing no shadow. As they look up into the sky for succor from the blasted cold, the insensitivity of the winter that lashes it. Often only to be replied by a blast of brilliant white leaving nothing behind but a charred smell in the air. Delivered!!

How many times had my little heart that knew not but to ooze love into the cold world around it been charred by the insensitivity of the humans around it. How many times had I prayed for friends! The pain that I feel when I look back and recollect that my leaves left me the first thing every season.

Appa.Why? After all these years ghosts should come to haunt me again. It is too painful. All I want to do is to close my eyes to stop the tears from flowing. Please God. Stop it. Stop right there.

I had not been friendless all my life. I was once a popular fun loving kid..Fifteen years ago...

I am in Gill Adarsh. Royapettah. A Co ed school. All boys talk to me. Whoa!! Look at me?? I am looking like a small boy myself. Hair cut in a boy cut. I am in the second grade. I am running with them. Catching up and hitting that kutti fellow right across his nose!! PT Master pulls up both of us apart.

A regular PT period. Replete with cuts and scratches. Amma scolding me at home. "Eppidi Pinnafore a kizichundu vanthu erukiye di!!!!!"" Narayana!!

Next morning me and Hari rickshawing to school as though nothing happened. Sugantha, Vikram, Ragav, Srinath, Bashyam, Satish, Thayagu, Lakshmi, Indu, Me,...Lots of flowers in a bloooming tree.

Of all of them Sugantha and I were best of friends. I loved her with as much my little heart could afford. More than Ice creams, Pencils or erasers. More than the beach. As I moved with her, I would go on to give everything I have. Life moves.

Sixth Grade. I leave the school. She stays behind. I cry. For the first time in life. Was it a precusor of the most horrible time of my life @Adarsh? Did I know i would be fated to a life alone even then? I dont know. But now, I can compare those tears to that of an infant's first cry on being born in this world. To leave its security to come into the cruel world that it is,. Bad bargain!!!

Ninth Grade. She also joins Adarsh. Our friendship is renewed. But on her terms.

Tenth Grade. She accuses me of feeling envious about her proficiency award. I stand devastated. Is there any way that an average student can ever ever feel envious over the topper. If I was the second ranker, what she said might have been true. Me!! My math marks often deprived me of a rank. What connects the proficiency prize to me???

I stand. Devoid and friendless.....

When I had joined in Adarsh, I had a good friend who was to me becoming a true friend. My heart chose to envelope her in a peculiar way. At its best, our friendship was spiritual. It was divine.

I dont even want to talk about what happened after college. College was a very difficult time for me. I was the principal's daughter. I was shunned by mindless idiots. ****** students. To make matters worse, I was in the mechanical Department.

Antha naalu varsham. Accused from everything from getting question papers from dad to having my papers modified in the University. I cry even now. Those four years. They were a nightmare. I underwent a personality shift. I became severely reticient. I was afraid to open my mouth in public. To top it all. Braces!! At the start of college!!!

Needless to say, I lost my friend again to a bunch of mindless brats. Tears. They were me. Crying always. But I had a great guy in my first year. If I dont mention him, then May I be cursed to a century of loneliness and more than that: deserve it.

Pavan. Jayanthi Pavan Kumar. He stood by me and guided me thru college. I lost him happily to his girl friend who I am sure by now is his wife.

Today I stand alone. I dont need anybody. I am independant. I can play a game of squash by myselves. I learnt to talk with the cat or play with the wall. Literally.

But then. I did not know all this. I can never ever forget the damages that these did to my self esteem or to my personality. I try to keep my thoughts to myself. I dont move round with much people. I keep a close circle. I dont want to forget though. I just dont want reminding..

But, when I am walking on the road. I see a tree crying to its leaves not to leave it. Asking wind to be a bit merciful. My eyes fill up with tears for a heart which was torn and left in the mud to rot. It goes to the tree and hugs it and whispers, Kindred soul.