Hello all! If anyone is even still around :) I was reading through my last blog post and I realized one thing. The world has still not changed a bit - Situation in Ukraine, Climate change, black holes. Add to it COVID, Monkey Pox, political turmoil. It has become much worse if anything

Its been a dreary few years both personally and worldwise. We moved to the US from the UK.  Enough to make the world stop going around - to Southern California which is one of the dreariest places to live in. One reason enough - NO RAIN!!! AND - everyone I see around me is happy about it equating it to the best climates in the world given that there is not much water to go around. 

Brexit - which proved to be one of the most divisive political changes to hit Britain - we were hounded so much by our right wing neighbours that it played a larger than it should have role in moving to the US.

Trump times in SoCal - what a time to land in the reddest part of a fairly blue state. 

Covid - struck down and humbled by a contagion - felt like a Robin Cook  novel

But I guess there have been positive things too. We welcomed our son in the sunny Cali times. As he says so many times - he is a California boy. Its been my brightest spot in a few years. Thanks for all the love and PPD R! 

I just felt like I should post. I have missed everyone here. I don't have a lot of friends and this space felt like I was sharing my life with a few who are very important to me. 

I hope all of you are doing fantastically well - please write back. Missing you a lot. Sorry for the above whinging! :) Hope will try to write a bit more consistently in both spaces - Prapathi and Shrishti. 

Spring is here!

Finally. After a winter that was not a winter after all - we have stepped into a reluctant spring. It is kind of cool, kind of warm. But if you are the sort that jumps into sleeveless sweatshirts and light capris as soon as the sky outside becomes a pale blue - like me - Spring is here to stay!

After the long rainy spring and summer of last year - this is a very refreshing change. Bright, crisp, sunny, beautiful - green. I think the colour of England should really be green. The trees have this mysterious quality that reminds me of the ivy infused greenish atmosphere of the Robin Hood land. It is this ephemeral green that seems to hang between the trees as though it is not the green of the leaves but the green of the air, that the very essence of the ether in a woodland is viewed through a green lens. Wow! is the word. It is so pleasing, happy and otherworldly that you feel like one of the elves from a Lord of Rings still.

Muddy brown Thames, green banks, blue skies, white clouds, colourful boats bobbing up and down, canoes and paddles being readied along the length of the banks in Richmond - it is one of the most beautiful sights in the world even. There is this placidness, a certain 'je ne sais quoi', sang froid in the landscape that is entirely British. Something that says nothing changes if the above scenario is converted to a black Thames reflecting the clouds above, no sun, no warmth, nor mirth in the air. Nothing changes. The guy biting on his tobacco wearing a sailor's cap will exchange it for a poncho and go about his work. Quintessential picture of 'Adathu mazhai peithalum vidathu nadagam nadatha padum'.

Closing my eyes, I am trying to visualize what I felt today walking down the street. It was strangely vacuous - just a happy nothingness that filled me. I was too drunk in the sunshine to be having serious thoughts. Surely I did not think that I would come back and blog. Spring is definitely around!

One thought that I did have was that I should not waste the sunshine. The few precious months that the sun is out so long. It is a pity that I cannot fill a drum with it and use it over winter. It is one of those ' now or never' moments that should galvanize you to just get going. Ohmygod! The sun is going to set. What a frivolous worry - given the problems facing the world. Situation in Ukraine, climate changes, black holes and all I worry about is the sun setting?

Well. That is my world. I close my eyes to the problems that we face everyday. Those few minutes in the sun make me think that everything is alright. Whatever happens the sun keeps shining. Above the clouds. Above the rain. Above all the chaos that rages around me. When I lift my head up and see the sun - in that minute my face creases into a smile. My mind freezes into a happy nothingness and I forget everything but the warmth.

Tomorrow be another day. The sun shall still shine! 

6,706,993,152!!!

How quickly is the population of the world increasing? When I used to read figures such as 2 babies a second, and things like that, I never believed them. What? Don’t the Mahajanam of the world have nothing else to do other than to deliver babies.

((On a side track: imagine the possible business opportunity here : Gross :but : 2 nurses, 1 obstetrician, a couple of orderlies, hospital instruments/ accessories, goods for the kid after born. Man!!!No wonder there are so many diaper brands around!!))

Well. The actual point here is: I start to believe it now. All my friends are either in the process or have delivered a cute little bundle of joy (today..who knows what tomorrow) and successfully added to their carbon blue print and personal blueprint.

The only news I seem to be hearing is “I got hitched!! – (tch tch..gross but true) or “hey, you want to hear the junior?”

Though I am looking forward to seeing, playing with, hugging, kissing each of those kutties, I cant help feeling that I would be a lousy mom.

I love kids. Of all sort. Be it human, pup, kitten, cars(look at that cooper)..anything. But once they get over the age of 4-5, the lovable, cuddly things they are, I just give up on them!! (Exception being my kutti cousin Srihari who is too much of myself to properly hate).

My proposition is this : Anyone having a kid, and working, feeling guilty to leave the smallllll one at home and go, bring your kids to me. I will take care of them free of charge.

Waitaminute..Did you really think you will get out of that one so easily?? The terms aren’t over : I will send my kid over to each of one your houses after he or she is over 4 and you got to take care of them..:))

Nalla plan la? Nejamave ithu namba puranathula kooda eruku. Epdinu kekareengala?

Krishnu kutti ya kooda ipdi than avanga apparu ittundu poi Jashodama vootla vuttutangalam. Nalla thayiru, paalu, vennai ellam thinnu, looti adichu, paatharatha odachu—ithellam thevaiya? Appuram nalla pulla aana vudana thirupi ittandu vantangalam..

So concept not novel. Not untried. Yosichu solunga. :))

Wrapped up!

Sometimes we are focussed just on one subject that we fail to note that things have flown by. Sometimes literally life has flown by. My last post was something to that effect. I was so focussed on the fact that I was hurt deeply by one person and actually blocked everything else from my mind. But that is so unfair. To all the others who have been thinking about me, being with me, making my life a blessing and giving it a meaning.

Mostly of all M. Who has been so patient with me and my paranoias, we have had a lot of fun. In London. London has been great so far. I have had 8 whole months of my life in Europe. Been to Germany. Turkey. Actually I have sooooo many things to blog about that now they are rushing in a tumble on me. :)) Getting a license in England (whew!!), finding a new home, sharing things. Finally someone always to come home to (right now : be at home to)- It has been wonderful Thanks to Emperuman.

Glorious friends. Prashanth who came to visit me this month and we had a great fun : M, Prash and me :)) It was wonderful. Roaming all about London like teenagers, laughing and rolling with laughter most of the time. We have hopefully persuaded him to get married and hopefully he will soon..

Right now I am searching for a job. Trying to do something totally different and new. Hopefully. Hope is such a positive thing. :))

Most of all. It is a reminder to myself that I am the only one suffering with long lost memories which are useless. As the people who the memories are about. Our memories are the only things that torment us. destroy our lives when the very life is blowing by.

:)) Thanks to all those who make our lifes happy, fill them with cheer and moments worth remembering as memories. To all others, give them selective amnesia. :)

The walking dead

Strange way to start writing again. I have been in India again and yet again after my last post but there is still something inside me that refuses to open up to blog. Feeling terrible about it. Ideas fleet about. Things that I love, things that are new to me, people around me, the very life around me has changed so dramatically in the past 7 months that one might guess I would have had tons to write about. Sadly no.

Even now it is actually deep sadness that makes me write this. Rather than happiness. We watch movies of zombies and ghosts and the undead. But I think that there is something dead within each of us that never is laid to rest even when we sleep. Even as we live. Every single day - waking up with the sun and fading away with the night. I think I will call it the walking dead.

Today mine came to haunt me. Actually only one of them did. There are so many dead pasts within me that I feel I am shuttering more things that I open these days. It is like a previous birth - a dream which you see when you are awake. It flashes before your eyes and you are left clinging to the table for support. Tears well up and engulf my living self before I can ford them.

Sometimes another living self that is a part of the dead me comes alive before me. Haunting. Well. Blabber of the day.

Welcome to the world of the dead.

Footloose

Being footloose is very dangerous. And given to indulge, it is very difficult to reform. I used to be that way in the States. Travelling was the rule than a vacation. Every weekend was an excuse to be excused from Lakewood. Pittsburgh, NJ, NYC, Niagara, Boston, Virginia, Washington, Columbus, Lexington, Austin, the list never seemed to end. Wanted to visit Yellowstone, Vegas, Lake Placid,Adirondacks, the list never seemed to end. These are mostly the times when I miss America and my single time the most.

The need to travel. To see. To see new things, new cities, new places. I think the last one year has been the one wherein I have seen just one place new in spite of living in Europe in London. I hope the traveller is not dead. Oh!!!My feet want to fly.

I am going to India in September. Maybe I will get to see something. Planning a trip of Kumbakonam again. Want to see Sarangapani (Sarngapani) again.

Oh!My feet want to fly...

Lots of water under the bridge

If I take a statistic on how my posts began, or the probability that it will begin with "It has been a while.." -I think that would be the sum of all positive probabilities in this universe. SO MANY TIMES!! :( Disgusted. But still...

As a quick update, after a long of visa hassles and harangues with the British Government, I am finally in London!!! :) Yay!! The city I always wanted to be in. Beautiful is the word. It is almost like living in literature. "London Bridge is falling down! Falling down!! ". Every street and every road has memories -Westminster Abbey, Bermondsey, Charing Cross, Piccadilly, Oxford street, BAKER STREET!!!, King's cross, Buckingham palace, Big ben!! Man.. Of course : Wimbledon. The mecca of tennis.well let's say the Ahobilam of tennis.

It is like living in a dream. Wow!! :)) grinning ear to ear most of the time. With M safely at work, I can dream enough (Oh--Did I not tell you? I am a home maker - I am not working for the time being!! YAY!! How nice does it feel to be on a break? Wow!)

Learning manual driving, cooking a nice variety of food - Mom and dad in law are going to be here from this Saturday! Life runs.. I cant believe it is 6 months.

I miss India and never thought I would say it, "I miss America too". I hope to stay on the blogger's column atleast this time. Let's see how this stint goes.

Meanwhile how are all of you doing? What's happening? Hope you are doing and keeping well. Let me know. Love you all!!!

Hi alllllllllllllllllllllll

Epdi erukelll??? ellarum? Doing fine wherever you are? Really missed this place. Been wanting to be back and a lot of thoughts constantly whirring around the mind but never a point to tie them to.

So many blogs to write and so many thoughts to share. But somehow the mind refusing to co-operate at all. Just the effort to log on to the internet and type out the words. Something rather like I better be wound up like a tight ball, or a black hole, consuming everything given to me but not spit one thing out. Just be spun into a vortex and pull everything into myself.

It is a phase with me. There are phases when I would just be spilling words like I have drank like a fish and pour, pour, pour out syllables whether it makes sense or not. Then I will be in a phase where I will hardly say yes or no. If I speak, that might be for food. And anyone forcing me to speak would rather be talking to the cat or the wall...

I got into one of those moods and it has lasted a long while. I moved from the States, quit my job, left my car behind, everything has changed in a short while. So many changes.

And my wedding took place last week. I have been hugely silent about it. For no apparent reason. I did not publish a single post.

The only reason I feel apologetic about is, I used this cloak of silence( There it comes!!! The preamble to this blog) to be entirely silent and hid it within a close network of cousins. None of my friends knew the date nor the venue.

For some strange strange strange reason. I am sorry for all of this. Really. Really. Really Sorry. But as such I dont make any excuses. :(

Well. It was the traditional girl's family meets boy's family. Boy meets girl in a relative's house. Talk, see if things work out, get married.

My husband (wow!!! feels really really strange..:)) Like a chinese word or something!) . Working for a top multinational financial institution now wound up in a matrimonial institution also. I call him M. Very religious, extremely patient (Imagine getting the silent treatment from the minute you got married.(Actually from the week before the marriage). He is from PSBB, then went onto B.Com and MBA in the top school in the country. He is also very close to the Ahobila Mutt and the present
Jeeyar. Was His sishya in Poorvashrama.

Parthasarathy Perumal kovil has been a fixture in my life. Adiyen had the Bhagyam of being enveloped by the Grace of Swami Thelliyasingar in the temple and I always consider Him to be my God. At those times when I was in the temple, my life has been revolving around Him. Some days when I used to be in the temple in the mornings, I used to see newly wedded groom and the bride coming to worship in the temple right after marriage. Manjai veshti, Panchagajam, Madisar, Thirumangalyam, Maalai, Perumal. Samashreyanam. These were my only thoughts of marriage. I used to pray to Emperuman to grant me this favor alone.

And He did. Adiyen had the Bhagyam of praying to Swami Azhagiya Singar and Malolan in the Ahobila Mutt right after my marriage. Had my Samashreyanam done and received the blessings of the Jeeyar. Adiyen had the Bhagyam of being named Vanjulavalli for my wedding ceremony too. So V is no longer my psuedo name only. :)))

Had some real fun with my maternal side of cousins before and during the wedding. Then my husband's cousins and now mine were with us cheering us like crazy. It was an adrenaline filled week.. Really hectic and not much time to think about anything else.

So. With everything now behind me, my husband all set to return to the UK later this week, my hands found their way back to my lapppppieee and here I am back again.

I know everyone will be extremely angry angry angry with me but please excuse the tardiness.

I was thinking about all of you when the Nischiyathartham took place. So many people I could have met.. Should have rightfully invited to the wedding. Should have spoken to, could have invited online. Somehow.

My latest phase of silence has been so bad that I am hoping that it can be classified as pre-marriage jitters and tensions and whatever.

My blogging friends : Sumanth, Sudarshanan, Sundara Paripooranan, Compassion ji, Balaji, Prakash, and everyone else :AM REALLY SORRY. :((((

My friends from another world : Naresh, Venkatesh, Ambika, Sundar, PB, poookattu anna, akka, Lakshmi --- PLEASE PLEASE FORGIVE ME. :((((

and this is my husband.

Uyara Uyara paranthalum
Ooor kuruvi parunthaguma?

Fall colors in Lakewood

 

A Zen feeling

Many a time I have wondered why God does things the way He does. There are some things that I implicitly trust. He is. He knows that I exist. He knows what I do, what I think. He takes care of me. But then there are times when I just think that He has forgotten if I am there.

 It is something that goes beyond the skin. I love Him from somewhere deep and every minute I want Him to make me aware of Him. Just reassure me He is there with me every second of my pains.. It is like a wife wanting her husband to be with her when she is in the obstetrician’s ward trying to breathe new life. But the moment the child is born, the husband becomes secondary though only for a short while.

I want Him with me every second of my life on earth, trying to leave without making much negative impact, help me make some positive impact at least. Almost want to leave unnoticed if I cannot do anything good.

Talking about the way he does things, I was watching Kungfu Panda yesterday. There are definitely some almost Zen moments when you watch oriental movies. I had one yesterday: “There are no accidents”. Have heard infinite variations of the words..--- There are no coincidences, everything is planned … yadda yadda yadda.

But then I did not have the moment even when I was seeing the movie. It was the day after when Ethnic-atom commented at a statement of mine.

Another time I had a Zen feeling was when I was driving behind this car. We were passing through a crossing and a turn and the driver in front threw a paper crumpled out of the window. As I watched its trajectory towards the pavement and it fluttering, a paper’s existence unfolded across my life. In that second, I was able to visualize its birth from a tree it did not even know existed and its journey to where it was today and what it was doing where it was. Hit me with the force of a sandbag. Arrived exactly at the moment to a place where someone was looking for it.

There are really no ways of explaining Zen feelings. It is almost like Déjà vu. And the only thing that mattered most was that there was a destiny to that piece of paper. Tomorrow it might save the earth and I had seen it.

(Took me to thinking about all the flotsam, jetsam, airsam, samsam floating across the Indian roads and rail roads. – formed with the one purpose of trashing the nation.)

Believe me. There is a reason. For everything to be exactly the way it is. And it is for the best of everybody.

Live and learn as the Gaffer used to say.. Tolkienwise.

A new white dawn

The morning was perfectly beautiful. The telephone rang at 6:30 AM. “”Enna aachu??? Innum thoonigindu erukiya? Office poga vendama KK?””

I have been waking up every day since I landed from India around 3:00 - 3:30 am. Not to mention the fact that I sleep off at 8, 7, and finally 6 on one day. Plead jet lag.

The gym works wonders on the body. A mile’s run and a mile’s cycling with an hour of Racquetball threw my body into full gear mode and I was screaming with pain (but delighted) as all my muscles flexed their pinkies and woke up after 4 months.

Walked leisurely to the windows, drew the blinds across to the most beautiful sight in the world. Fresh fresh white snow on the ground. As tender as jasmine petals, super clean and fantastically spread out. Everything was white except for the shining asphalt of the road. Seriously Black and white is the most beautiful combination in the world. Drank in the sight for a couple of minutes.

Filter coffee from India. Brewed a pot of fine Madras Kaapi.

Got my camera out and snapped away pictures of the morning it snowed. Wanted to make a collage of the fall colors around my house but turned out that snow covers the ground now. I am hoping I will be lucky to have the next snow drift separated far enough to thaw the snow and get the leaves back to color. Unlikely but not impossible.

So beautiful morning all in all. Was planning to add a picture but turned out that my office lappie (What did you think???) did not have an SD card reader and am stuck with no photo outlet..Hmmmmm..

Will see you soon with pics…

A smorgasbord

It is a beautiful 45 degrees (F of course!!! Can degree C ever be pleasant?)outside. Fall colors and gentle rain play their part perfectly. The afternoon turning out to be a dash of colors. Wanted to be outside with my camera but needed to be at work.
Decided to take a longer break than usual pleading jet lag (Oh! I just returned from a short short trip back home which I will tell you about shortly – whether you ask for it or not).
Lunch was 10 minutes and then mousing around a bit with my computer and then PGW. Coffee? Yes coffee!! Amma had packed me the most delightful P-Berry combo some stuff poison that just melts your system. I got home from the airport around 2:00 AM yesterday and the first thing I did was to unwrap the packet and make some filter coffee decoction. So that I would not be disappointed first thing in the morning.

So coffee, rain, fall colors and French windows. It was vaguely nostalgic. It was around this time a couple of years ago, when on a day like this, sitting on the stairs of my apartment on Gazette avenue in Lexington, I started my first blog. It was called a moral wanderer, then became immoral wanderer and then priyamvatha to vanjula. It was a mere experimentation into something that has become very personal.

I have lost quite a few posts on my way here (between blog transitions) but made a few great friends and met excellent authors and people.

Spent a couple of moments drinking in the beauty of the afternoon. Decided that it was worthwhile to go a bit late to work rather than missing out on the few moments of bliss.

After half an hour, got out of the house most reluctantly and drove to work. So here I am. Penning my thoughts while I am being paid to work.

My 4 years in the United States have just drawn to a close. 2 months into my 5th year. I still remember the first few days during end of June 05 when I reached US. Staying with a couple of seniors, then my one and only room mate Sudarshni, life in Lexington, the grad studies, school, “Lex makkal”.

The days are shortening. Nights becoming longer. Autumn has set in with style. Winter shall soon be here white, muddy and gray. For some reason, the passing of time seems more pronounced in the US. Maybe because the seasons change so rapidly and the colors are so distinctive. You remember and savor almost every day of the year.

My thoughts are with Brian Greene’s “Fabric of the cosmos” which I started reading some time back. Apart from the Goal, this is almost the longest time I have ever taken to complete a book (I am still far from the end). Not because it is long (it is), boring (definitely not!!) or unreadable. But because it involves science and thinking. It is about the space-time theories and the universe. The most fascinating but little realized or recognized vital players are light and time. How much do we take these for granted? Always

After all, light is light and time is time. What else do we care or know? But with light, the colors of the season are awakened to the eye and they fly past with time.

The book is more of a scientific pursuit of the universe’s origins. God may be the probability wave that makes the photon behave in duality but He finds no mention in the book.

Well. More about the book in another blog. Right now in true Gandalf fashion : Wherever I have been, I am back.
(The day outside took me back to this song by my favorite composer. Dreamy, soft, haunting..)

The flavor of life...

Well...Long face, chin drooping, eyes clouded, eyebrows shrunk in thought, forehead furrowed, ears not listening, nose smelling meat in the next cubicle, wrinkled in disgust, lips biting one another... What could be wrong? What is happening to me?? Is it physical, metaphysical, mental?? what what what!!!!
I was totally droopy and literally hanging our my desk, my head about to hit my laptop's monitor, no energy, no concentration, listless and confused. OK. TIMEOUT.
Closed my laptop, picked up the car keys and jaunted out for a lunch at home. On an impulse stopped at Starbucks..of course where else. A grande extrahot vanilla latte please. The drink(and the card) exchanged hands and..
A little, tiny, puff of scent wafted from the cup. Hmmmmm...Does Heaven smell like this? Then slowly raised it to my lips, tilted the cup of paradise, took a swig of the golden fluid, hmmmmmmmmmmm..hmmmmmmm....
A couple of sips later, I realized what was wrong. I had given up coffee. I was going to detox my system of caffeine and had stopped drinking coffee and was washing my insides with tea from teavana which is an elixir by itself too.
But hands down. Theobromine CAN and will NEVER NEVER REPLACE caffeine as the most preferred killer in world. All that energy from your later life sucked up when you sip it in and spill out of you in excess. It is just the amazing spring of creativity, happiness, a sense of well being and positiveness that jumps out of that cup into your mind IS unbeatable.
And to spoil you further : Double chocolate Brownie on the side..If they dont have this in Heaven, then it is not it. It is not it..
Slowly my forehead cleared, cheeks became mangos, lips widened in a smile, eyes took on a dreamy hmmmm expression, nose smelling the aroma as it wafted from the cup enroute to the throat.
Ahhhhhhhhh...Coffee. The drink of paradise. The elixir of activity. My cuppa laude.
So today. I recommend "Extrahot vanilla latte with double chocolate brownie"..A la carte at Starbucks.

Maandavar Meelvathundo

This rhetoric question forms the first line of a beautiful chapter in Ponniyin selvan. This is the episode in which Sundara Chozhan, father of Raja Raja, reveals the cause of all his present affliction to his daughter Kundhavai. He talks about his love on a lonely island off the Srilankan coastline and the girl whom he believes subsequently died.
This morning for some strange reason, I was thinking about this song which one of my friends from India had sent me, " Uyirai Tholaithen athu unnil thano". Beautiful, touching and melancholic. At the end of the reminiscence, the thoughts in my head was maandavr meelvathundo? I really dont know why sitting at my desk at 10:00AM in the morning, my chain of thoughts went to the dead. Who do I want resurrected?

The living music of MSS

I was suddenly struck by the desire to listen to Chinanchiru kiliye by Bharathiyar. One of my favorite songs, primarily for the simplicity of the verses, yet the profoundness of love and emotion in those lyrics, it has a special place in my heart. I used to go to sleep with paati singing that song. That and Vandadum solai thanile/ Amarar Kalki.

Each stanza is love itself atleast to me as Bharati picturizes kannama in a variety of moods. As she jumps, dances, runs, she being praised,.. It is a simply put, a dancer's delight. So I was searching online and musicindiaonline.com had a whole gamut of artists singing the song. As I went from one to the other, I was totally left untouched. All I could discern was fine raagamalika or neruvals, in short a variety of vocal gymnastics and repetitions of the same verse meaninglessly 100 times. Every one of those I heard left my heart untouched.

It is the bhava. I know I rant about this a lot. Maybe being a dancer, my heart jumps when "odi varugaiyile kannama, ullam kuliruthadi.." My heart dances in elation when I imagine those verses. "Aadi thirithal kandal unnai poi aavi thazuvuthadi".. uchi thanai mugarnthal garavam ongi valaruthadi..mechi unnai oorar pugazhnthal meni silirkuthadi..

The warm love, yet the hesitant desire of kissing her cheeks..makes me swoon with delight,. kannathil muthamittal ullam than kallverikoluthadi..

The whole point of the song being set in Raagamalika was to bring out different emotions and feelings towards a much loved girl.

This made me think who would have the antidote and who else than MSS. All her songs are replete with life. It is merely a cliche to even say that she was a master of bhava. In her own words, understand and feel the song before singing., would be great advice for any of today's musicians.

I am not a singer. I do not know to discern raagas. At best, I can say, well, this song resembles that. Are they the same raaga? To tell you the truth, I dont care. My brother argues that Semmangudi is a far far better singer than MSS. Maybe.

I search for life. In the Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho, the boy is asked to find life in the desert by the alchemist while riding through the desert. Then he also advises that life finds life. So the boy unloosens his horse and it leads him to a rock where it stops. Under the rock is a rattle snake. The boy has learnt to survive in the desert.

Whatever we hear, we speak, all the sounds cherished and remembered are full of life. It is like a mom never never forgets the dawdling of her baby. To her, it is the most succulent sound in the world. A true devotee cherishes the sound of His Lord's name. "then vanthu payuthadi"..it feels like honey.

When I hear Maithreem Bhajatha by MSS, I feel like I am being advised by a being of the other world. "Damyatha datta dhayathvam janatha.." or "Janani prithvi kaama duhaste", "Janako devaha sahala dayalo". When she says that, you think of the LORD. No one else. And you feel comfort in the fact that He is ever merciful and loving. You do not dissect the devvahahhha, the final hhhhha or vvvva or whatever. Simple, straight to heart, lively, music.

My paati used to tell me that N.C.Vasanthakokilam (believe me her voice is sweet beyond compare), a contemporary of MSS, used to be called Venugaanam. Her voice was so sweet that her music was compared to the Lord's flute play. I believe that MSS was the Lord's flute. When He was passing above the earth, it fell from His pitambaram and He did not notice. Only when He heard her voice after 11 earth years, He understood that He had lost it. But He let it remain so that humans for generations could savor Him, cry for Him and that voice which they forever lost when they fell out of favor.

I am rambling. I want everyone reading this blog to listen to the voice that is echoing in my ears, singing the songs, full of devotion, life and love and feel the same. Share the thought that MSS is simply the greatest singer that ever lived. Rejoice in the happiness of her music.

Feel the life. Feel its everlasting joy. Feel the pain yet be happy.

Heart of hearts

They say that each one of us has a spot deep deep inside our soul that our dearest desires, loves, feelings, thoughts lie. This place is so easy to reach with our dreams but so difficult to explain it to some one else. Somewhere everything can be unrestrained. Where there is no impossibilities, where the Lord rules as Antaryami.

Today I was thinking about what my heart's deepest yearnings are. My thoughts flew back to Thiruvallikeni. அந்த அகண்ட வீதி, கோவில், பெருமாள், சேர்வை, கோபுரம், புஷ்கரிணி, sahasranamam, பீச்,கடல், காத்து,மண், silence, ஸ்ட்ரீட் கிரிகெட், கோஷ்டி, புறா, மொட்ட மாடி, சுண்டல், அம்மா, அப்பா,...

what I want to be:
மடிசார், ரெண்டு பக்கம் மூக்குத்தி, காதுல மாட்டல், தலையில் ராக்கொடி, நிறைய மல்லிகை பூ, குஞ்சலம் ,காலில் கொலுசு ,மெட்டி, கை நிறைய வளையல், நெற்றியில் ஸ்ரீ சுவர்ணம், கண்ணில் மை, உதட்டில் சிரிப்பு, கண் நிறைந்த கணவன், அம்மா, அப்பா, பாட்டி, எம்பெருமான், கோவில், சந்தோஷமான வாழ்க்கை. கலங்கம் இல்லா உறவுகள்.

What I am:

Hair dyed red, cut short and styled into a feather cut, pants and shirts, skirts and tops, slippers and shoes, mechanical engineer working for a fortune 500 company, single and supposedly happy, searching for "something", travel loving, camera toting, jet setting young woman. Wanting to complete her MBA in one of the top schools, crack and top GMAT, Wall Street Journal reading aspirant.

Who am I deceiving?

Fitzwilliam Darcy

Is the man. My dream man. The dream man of women all round the world for the past 2 centuries of his birth and travel through the classics.

Born in the fertile brain of Jane Austen, Darcy sets fire to every woman's heart. Tall, debonair, ENGLISH, Handsome, intelligent,honest, resourceful, interesting, romantic, brave, caring, and of course rich. Darcy is the personification of what women want. Though he is English, he expresses his emotions and his love ardently..:)))

I read Pride and Prejudice in my 8th or 9th grade. If there is something called love and yearning, I would say he had mine for life. When amma asked me what were the traits I expected in someone I loved, I made her gasp saying I already met him. My mom was like, "Omigosh!!!". Fitzwilliam Darcy.

I got the book recently in Barnes and Noble as I wanted to read through the book with the eyes of a woman.

I have been reading the book ever since: 6 months. Leafing through favorite sections, narrator describing Darcy, his emotions, thoughts, Darcy through other's eyes. Written in 1796 and first published in 1813, if after 200 years, this man brings life to emotions, never seen, never met, conceived in print. Love in theory is the term I would choose to say. One of my friends asked me about my opinion of a perfect man : Darcy. In many many ways Sarang is Darcy.. In one especially. I have NEVER seen a man like that. Which is why I want to go to ENGLAND.

Not that he is faultless. No way close. He is projected at first as a proud, disdainful man and after a series of self confessions,he portrays himself to have behaved rudely and in pride many a time to prevent not only lower connections but in the belief induced from childhood from mistaken notions of confidence and pride. He himself believes that his pride is under control and does not realize that his behaviour has been abominable until Elizabeth says so.

But the quickness with which he corrects himself, forgives Elizabeth herself for her prejudice and still loves her inspite of every improper conduct of her family single him out to the reader.

I think every Austenite thinks herself to be Lizzy or hopes that she is.

For me, having read almost every one of Austen's books, and being a hopeless romantic...there is NO chance of escape. I am head over heels in love with Darcy.

The person who can may be come close to Darcy would be Vanthiyadevan from Ponniyin Selvan. The same braggadacio character who charms the head out of Kundhavai. Maybe. But not quite.

There is one person in real life (long long ago, so long ago that nobody knew how long ago!!!) whom I met who came close to Darcy though nowhere by any means as tall. :) His pride, his behaviour, his general personality everything reminded me of Darcy. But I lost contact with him. So I cannot introduce you to him.

But in case you do decide to grab a book from the shelves : "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen, and you get through to the last page, meet someone you know who resembles Darcy and is NOT 200 years old(more like 29-32 :)))), you know who to tell first. Dont you????

Sendru ser Thiru Vengada Maamalai

There cannot be a Shrine more popular and beloved of all the Hindu shrines than the one of the Lord of the Seven Hill. Thirupati. The Lord’s appellation is Srinivasan from the prehistoric times, named so in the Vishnu Sahasranamam. Thayar Padmavati, Alar mel mangai.

I remember going to Thirupati as a kid. Very vague recollections and almost no memory of the Lord till it pleased Him to call me again and take a good look at how much I had grown. This was during my college days. After which I did get to go a lot of times during the 2 years before I came to the US.

The first time I did get to go back, I was strangely petulant. I had not traveled much to shrines before then and I was unadjusted to the rigors. To tell you the truth, I did not even climb the Hill nor take a public bus. We drove up the Hill in comfort, boarded in a great hotel and ate at a choicy place.

Then took our places in the queue to see the Lord. Hour after hour stretched out without the site of the Temple entrance. The group consisted of my parents, my brother, my mama/uncle and good ole me. For a while I stretched thin the patience of others by being a bundle of energy. Then fought with my brother, discussed philosophy (mine) with my uncle and refused to talk to my parents for not booking a more convenient ticket with which we could have gone straight to the sanctum. But all this did not fill the time. I grew more and more sober and silent and by the time we came to the Gates, I was drooping on my brother’s shoulder and almost in tears. No patience at all.

To be truthful, all the desire of seeing the Lord was gone. I just wanted to go out.

In time we reached the inner sanctum and the frenzy around us rose to a tremendous pitch. Chants of the Lord’s names, prayers, tears, sheer joy and happiness in the face of the people going the other way, solemn urges that they would stand 1000 more hours if need be to catch a glimpse of the Lord’s face. Then I saw the Dharma darshan’s queque. Poor people waiting for hours and hours patiently from the smallest child to the oldest granny. No sign of irritation, hunger, unhappiness or malcontent. It was an awakening. I was ashamed of my behaviour.

It was a few more steps to the Lord’s sanctum. We turned the corner and there He was, resplendent, shining, and amazingly handsome. The time had come. I forgot everything else, shouted the Lord’s name unashamed, happy, tears rolling down my face, forgot all my wishes and desires. Just seeing Him was the balm to all sufferings. I just said, “I love you and will do so for all my life”. Came outside completely rejenuvated. Oh! I will stand 1000 hours for the same darshan. My mom smiled and we went to Mayuri for lunch.

Thirupati has always been a fascinating experience to anyone who goes there. I have heard astounding stories of faith being answered and the instant succor the Lord extends to His devotees.

Swami Ramanuja perceived the Lord in the Hills and through His divine sight found that the entire hill was made of Saligrahmam, a holy stone and crawled on His knees to find the temple and the Lord. The Ramanuja circle in the Lower Tirupati is a small tribute of man to the Acharya who took the Lord by His love. Udaiyavar.

In the older days, before I went back again, if I prayed to Srinivasan, the picture that the TTD released eons ago, the famous “in all homes” picture, came to my thoughts. But after this visit and the subsequent ones, I can recall the Lord as He stands and pray to Him in my mind. Alwar says that one has to visit a divya desam/ temple atleast 3 times for the Lord’s face to be imprinted on to the mind.

My first trip back. It was a lesson. In patience, in humility, in devotion and in faith. It prepared me mentally and physically for my subsequent trips to Ahobilam and other places. I learnt that the Lord chooses to see us in the most appropriate moment. The next time I went to Tirupati, I was at the temple on my birthday, unplanned and not even realized.

Since then, my philosophy of going to temples has been this. If the Lord wants you there, you will be there no matter what. Even if after years of planning, you miss a darshan, it is because there is a better time for Him to see you.

As my cousin laughingly says, “Na Perumala pakkarenangarthu mukkiyam illa. Avar enna pakkararangarthu than mukkiyam.” --- “It is not important whether I see the Lord. But rather that He sees me”.

As Aandal lovingly prays,

“Thingalum Aadithyanum ezuntharpol
annkan erandum kondu engal mel nokkuthiyel,
engal mel sabam ezainthelorempaavai.

“If thou graces to gaze upon us with eyes that shine as though the moon and the sun shine together, all the sins upon us be done to perdition.”

My Lord! Thy will be done.

Minnal Mazhai Mohini

A very engrossing read by Jawar Seetharaman who also wrote Udal, porul Ananthi. This book explores the subtle relation between human expectations, disappointments, vengeance and hatred carried over to the other world as well.

For some time yesterday, the title applied to my case. I spent the weekend in Washington with my friend from undergrad, Ambika. The trip was real fun. We went to Washington D.C and a State park called “Cunningham falls state park”. Ended up climbing the mountain to the top of the falls and beyond. It was wonderful exercise for the mind and the body.

Ambika, Sundar, Satish, Rakesh and me formed the gang that hit the state park. Ammu being too tired to climb the falls, the intrepid adventurers were the other four, Sunny after some persuasion. He is ammu’s husband. :) . You do need to eat!! Vengeance.

It was a delightful hike and Satish was a photo buff and had some interesting ideas for photographs and Rakesh turned out to be the cameraman also providing great script to the drama. Great expectations from the pictures.

But the true fun came when I left for my drive back to Jamestown. Had not checked out the weather report. Bad mistake. Turned out to be the deluge overturned on the earth. To this day in my life, I have not passed through a worser storm. But there was a day when I drove to Columbus which was almost as bad but that was daylight and this was a night pitch black. Fear.

Add to it GPS troubles. I- 99 had been rebuilt and my GPS did not know where I was. Lost like an hour to route changes and add to the mental agony of a night like this in America on an interstate no idea where you are going and your cell phone dying on you.:) Hatred.

Fog so dense and thick that you could not see a couple of feet into it. Fog lights were useless. Actually made things really worse due to the Tyndall effect. The other car could see me but I could not see the lines on the road. For a mile or so, I drove not knowing that it was a two way road. :) Eerie.

I got back to the old route that the GPS needed calling Rohan. Got into Pennsylvania’s by roads into Interstate 80 and onward to US 219. And then.

Storm catcher.

The night was lit up by streaks of lightening that lit up earth and the sky for brief flashes of time. A dark night and then a glorious purple light in a streaking arc. I was driving for my dear life. Every moment I was torn between joy, wild joy to be witnessing this display and the other afraid that it would hit me next and I would be among the angels. Other world.

There was a guy in front of my in a SUV and we were both racing to get out of the storm, running it out and hanging on there together. He for me and I for him. For if anything had happened, there was nothing else. Nothing else at all.

Minnal. Edi. Mazhai. Katru. Moodupani. Nan. Skirts of cloud racing across the sky gathering me in a wet embrace. Lights, music, power. It was a beautiful night. Starbucks coffee extra hot vanilla latte, and some koruks.

Silence. My CD got struck in the car and all my cassettes were literally worn out. I did not listen to music for most part of the drive. Turned out to be a blessing.

An enchantingly eerie experience driving at 60-65 mph on a 45 mile road, covered with rain, fog, clouds that hung so low that I could have touched them if I wanted to, lightening and thunder. Me. All alone.

My version of minnal, mazhai, mohini. Fortunately this one’s alive and kicking. Or rather writing.