A disturbed night

Life is a long journey. Maybe too short for some. May be long enough for people who hope to make it meaningful. But everything is planned. Right down to the smallest detail of whom we happen to cross on the road.

Sometimes I lose sight of what the bigger picture is. Is it living, studying, music, marriage, birth, and death as a part of life, death as the end of one and start of another. It is all an endless rhythm. But is it the bigger picture of it all? Is there a truly wide picture? To stand back and look?

Yesterday was another night when I could not sleep. Racked by dreams, thoughts and everything else. In it was a truly stunning vision. I saw a galaxy of white light, a nebula, a white cloud. All I could make out was it was far far far away up in the sky. I was a speck before it. But I could see it without the loss in dimension. Something or somebody told me,” Look closer, come on closer still..”. I moved up and up till I became aware that it was the abode of the Lord Himself. Inside the white cloud was the Lord. Beckoning to me. I did not know whether the whiteness was inside my mind and my consciousness the speck or was it the galaxy and the speck was my mortal self/soul.

At this point, I became aware that it was a dream or a vision. I shook myself free and remained awake for another 2 hours. Thoughts. Probably the worst kind of torture God ever gave man. I think when we got the capacity to think, we developed all sickness possible. And the way to come out of it all, is still to think more and more. But fixedly, concentratedly.

I do not know what plans The Lord had in mind when He brought me into this world as me. But I have the clear notion and faith that in time, He will let me onto the secret and tell me what He demands of me. In the mean time, I shall follow in His steps and His decisions.

There are things that I cannot explain. At all. But I believe in them not because my parents told me or my forefathers taught us. Almost all my knowledge and my understanding have come from the epics. My moral sense, my immoral sense, everything has a direct route from the epics. So does my faith in the Lord, even when I make mistakes. The faith that He shall forgive me. My belief in non rational traditions, re-incarnations, the so called mythology, the soul, the atman, living as an Iyengar. Everything sprung from the epics that patti untiringly spoke into the moments I was awake and when I was asleep.

I did not choose to be born an Iyengar. The Lord decided it. I did not choose to go to the temple. At my best times in my pre-teen years, I could be described a tramp. But the Lord chose to lead me to His doors. He took me by my hand and stole my heart away. All my actions binding me to the dharma are as the Lord rules it. Prapathi is what I have come to believe by. Live the best you can. Follow dharma and abide in the Lord. When time comes, He shall release you form this eternal cycle of birth and death. This has been my leading light.

Amma told me that before I came into this world, she used to listen to Kalinga Nardhanam by Oothukadu Venkatasubbiar incessantly. I was even before I was born being made aware of the glory of the Lord. The past few days have been a sincere contemplation of who I am and why. The only answer I can give is I am me because of my birth. My parents who cocooned me. My patti who gave me the true knowledge of the Vedas, of Divya Prabhandham and the spiritualistic freedom MSS gave me by her voice and the Lord who led me on holding my Hand firmly.

I firmly decided when I was in my pre-formative years that I would marry Parthasarathy Perumal when I grew up. This was when I saw the Lord the first time I could remember Him. I told it aloud to Him that it was He I would seek. Today standing before Him, not as innocent as the girl who saw Him, I still retain the same feeling. I love Him. With my heart, soul and body. Every breath I take fills me with the love for Him. I pray for complete surrender to my Lord and healer. My Sarathy.

All my free time after I started to listen to Divya Prabhandam was spent by thinking up the names I would give to my family’s next generation. I was not only naming my own kids but naming all my cousins’ for them too. Aravamudhan, Irudikesan, Saranganathan, Abari Aptamruthan, Srinivasan, Narasimhan, Parthasarathy, Varadarajan, Kesavan, Madhavan, Narayanan, Vishnu.. the list was endless.

My husband is already named Sarang. My Lord and everything. Sarangapani. Everything: My car, my laptop everything is called Sarang

What would be life like if I was not an Iyengar? I cannot even think about it. The pain it causes is too live, too raw. It is my birth right. The only thing this birth gave me was the right to be called an Iyengar. And I hope to live by it, never affronting its divinity by not following the norms or by insulting its beliefs whether they are proved or not : No offense to other castes/creeds/ religions/races.

Where we are born, how, why, to whom, which race to choose is not our luxury. Maybe if you believe in past janmas, re-incarnation, Maya and karma, you could say, it was I who decided it. But if you don’t, you have to just live with it. If you wish to call yourself Nash instead of Natesan, you may fool the world but not yourself. I want to live an Iyengar. I do not want to be trapped into the so called liberation of the modern world and do anything whatever comes and say, it is karma again.

Given a birth, stick to it is my advice. Do not seek to open unknown ventures and paths untreaded. It can only lead you to doom and to waste a Janma.

For me, the last word is : Unnai Allal Theivam Illai : Thirumalerumcholai enthai.