It was not so much about the apple I guess. It was more rather the realistic pursuit of the idealistic. Attainment of something that is supposed to be impassable. In this episode, I will actually side with Eve and her serpent. The attitude was the right one. The act of questioning and the issue of morals.
What is faith without proof? I would call it false belief and superstition. Eve questioned God and was punished for it. But she knew something for it.The fruit got her knowledge. Truly. And morals?
Exactly what is moral behaviour? Who sets morals? Is the so called holier than thou attitude and sacre bleu expressions the right moral attitude? Eve was sure that she would be punished for it.But she wanted knowledge. So is her attitude questionable here?
Who would then explain secret investigations into science? The act of cloning, atom bomb? All these would be abhorred by God. For sure. But don't we do it? Do we stop it in the name of God? Then why are we talking about Eve and her fall?
The question of morality.
When I named this blog the immoral wanderer, I revealed to myself an extreme hatred for a constricted society. An atavistic attitude towards freedom. I wanted to be unfettered from all the chains that bonded man to the society. I made my own rules and lived by what I believed in.
But when I come to think of it, my response towards issues that rock the society…I feel I am no less moral than any other rule abiding citizen. I think before throwing dirt on the ground, wouldn’t consider any of the criminally oriented but coffer enriching quick rich schemes...drugs, rapes, all spell bound me with extreme horror and loathing.
But then... Why do I call myself immoral? I am one of the most extremely morale people I have ever met. Probably the thing that goes, “Middle class morality”. The poor don’t have enough to worry about it. The rich they don’t need to worry about it. The middle class has only it to worry about.
The inherent and basic need to go back to tribal times. Throw out the rule hook by its hinges and stamp hard upon it.
This Goddamn morality of mine: I hate it. It forces me to throw away a single quarter I found in the washing machine. It forces me to count each and every small change in fear I may have taken in excess. It makes me grovel with shame when I feel I have hurt somebody. Even smallest of lies, about not having a pencil, makes me think I deserve the wrathful eye of God. Even the truth, about not having a pencil makes me feel about not having a pencil to help my fellow brethren.
I wanted to break free from all this. I don’t want to be in a bound society. I don’t want not to do something because I should be punished for it.
I should live life by my books.
And the big question why? Why should be having any morals at all? When the whole world around me is base and degenerate: Why should I be tying myself to moorings of a sinking ship called virtue and be dragged about my neck?
Above all: I hate this sentence: Do to others what you want them to do to you.
Does this statement have any meaning in this world? Please. Not at all. All people do is ignore, use, exploit and kill: if not lives, feelings. I don’t want to do this to anybody.
I wish I had been born a white necked eagle, as Gwaihir in the LOtR. I would have been peacefully in mountain eyries and forgotten by all but poachers. But death must come as to all. And if it is to be by a poacher, I accept it.
But till then. It will be my world and my skies with nobody to think about/worry about. Not feel sorry about picking up a rat for dinner.
Why can’t people just be more understanding? Why do they have to be selfish? Why thoughtless? WHY CANT I BE ALL THESE!!!!!!!!
Why the heck do I have to bother about what people say and what they think before speaking out a single word?
Because, my chithi says, “Don’t lose the intrinsic value of being Hamsa by trying to be human. It is just not worth it.”
Ah! The fall of Eve..Where is thy serpent now, thou holy myth?
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Iraivan varuvan,,avan endrum nal vazhi tharuvan
Today, of all days I have been in the US of A, I felt the acute need to go to the temple and prostrate before the Almighty.I was having a lot of doubts and questions.
The thoughts were incessant and continuous. I wasn't concentrating on my work and the ANSYS window remained largely neglected.
If you have visited the temple of Shri Parthasarathy Perumal in Thiruvallikeni or propose to do so in the future, you could benefit by this piece of information.
As we depart from the sanctum sanctorum, on the left wall is inscribed a huge granite tablet with the etchings on it.
When Swami Vivekananda was in US, his disciple in Madras, Alasingan, devoid of leadership was in search of hope and support. Swamiji then wrote a letter to him which is inscribed in this tablet. It says, "Go now..This very moment to the sannithi of Lord Parthasarathi who was the succor of all the lowly cowherds of Gokula." He who provided life and hope to the lowliest of people and uplifted them bringing them closest to Him. For they were His dearest. He is the sarathi. He is the guide of all of us who hope in some way to alleviate the suffering of the poor, to bring Him among them.
The above is only a paraphrasing of the holy expression of Swamiji. He asks Alasinga to go and fall at His feet, the Holy feet that could deliver him from all doubts, provide hope and support and bless..what not?
Those words keep repeating themselves in my mind. Whenever there has been doubts in my mind, when I feel bereft of a will or purpose, I used to, when I lived in Thiruvallikeni, go to the temple and read this tablet. I used to prostate before the Lord and surrender to Him all my mind's weight.
I think I kinda silently regarded Swamiji as my guru who pointed Him to me and said, "He is for your realization. Go and renounce yourselves in Him". For the past two days, it has been as though the thought is drumming into my ears, mind and soul. "Go and fall at His feet." Go and fall at His feet..
I had my twelve board exams the next day. I am a good student. I had never wanted any intelligence to shine but lacked hard work that is the ghee of the lamp that is success. But I had worked hard this time. Wanted to shine through. Was hoping for triple centum. As is the dream of every twelve student. Not being a favorite of my teacher, I was once literally cursed in class that I would not get a 200/200 in chemistry which is my favorite subject. I was devastated. The next day exams was Chemistry and I was totally unnerved with the prospect of taking it. I was sure that I would fail.
At that moment, I ran to the temple. It was 9:20 PM. The time of closing of the temple. I stood before the Lord and cried. I just left everything to His infinite mercy. My mind calmed, I came home, studied and made a 198. Wasn't the best score. But I guess God did not want to falsify the words of a Guru, though not worthy of the status. Not mine to say.
Today. This first of February, I wish I could go to the temple, close my eyes, fold my hands and let the tears flow unashamedly. For they are not symbols of weakness. They show great strength. Strength in admitting that the eyes that shed them need help.
The mere look of His divine face, which will assure me, all my troubles are never mine but His. The smile on His face that reassures me, "I will take care".
I need the temple. I used to dream of the Lord when I had first come to the USA. You know, when you have been in the habit of going to the temple 365 days a year,nine years in a row, God becomes an integral part of your thinking. It is as though you are missing a father, a mother..no..your soul.
I wanted to go to the temple. To see my Lord. Since I cant go, I can only think.
Thunjumpothu ninaimin, Thuyar varil ninaimin, Thurilin sollinum nandram,
Nanju than kandeer nammudai vinaikku, Narayana ennum Namam.
-Thirumangai aazwar
The thoughts were incessant and continuous. I wasn't concentrating on my work and the ANSYS window remained largely neglected.
If you have visited the temple of Shri Parthasarathy Perumal in Thiruvallikeni or propose to do so in the future, you could benefit by this piece of information.
As we depart from the sanctum sanctorum, on the left wall is inscribed a huge granite tablet with the etchings on it.
When Swami Vivekananda was in US, his disciple in Madras, Alasingan, devoid of leadership was in search of hope and support. Swamiji then wrote a letter to him which is inscribed in this tablet. It says, "Go now..This very moment to the sannithi of Lord Parthasarathi who was the succor of all the lowly cowherds of Gokula." He who provided life and hope to the lowliest of people and uplifted them bringing them closest to Him. For they were His dearest. He is the sarathi. He is the guide of all of us who hope in some way to alleviate the suffering of the poor, to bring Him among them.
The above is only a paraphrasing of the holy expression of Swamiji. He asks Alasinga to go and fall at His feet, the Holy feet that could deliver him from all doubts, provide hope and support and bless..what not?
Those words keep repeating themselves in my mind. Whenever there has been doubts in my mind, when I feel bereft of a will or purpose, I used to, when I lived in Thiruvallikeni, go to the temple and read this tablet. I used to prostate before the Lord and surrender to Him all my mind's weight.
I think I kinda silently regarded Swamiji as my guru who pointed Him to me and said, "He is for your realization. Go and renounce yourselves in Him". For the past two days, it has been as though the thought is drumming into my ears, mind and soul. "Go and fall at His feet." Go and fall at His feet..
I had my twelve board exams the next day. I am a good student. I had never wanted any intelligence to shine but lacked hard work that is the ghee of the lamp that is success. But I had worked hard this time. Wanted to shine through. Was hoping for triple centum. As is the dream of every twelve student. Not being a favorite of my teacher, I was once literally cursed in class that I would not get a 200/200 in chemistry which is my favorite subject. I was devastated. The next day exams was Chemistry and I was totally unnerved with the prospect of taking it. I was sure that I would fail.
At that moment, I ran to the temple. It was 9:20 PM. The time of closing of the temple. I stood before the Lord and cried. I just left everything to His infinite mercy. My mind calmed, I came home, studied and made a 198. Wasn't the best score. But I guess God did not want to falsify the words of a Guru, though not worthy of the status. Not mine to say.
Today. This first of February, I wish I could go to the temple, close my eyes, fold my hands and let the tears flow unashamedly. For they are not symbols of weakness. They show great strength. Strength in admitting that the eyes that shed them need help.
The mere look of His divine face, which will assure me, all my troubles are never mine but His. The smile on His face that reassures me, "I will take care".
I need the temple. I used to dream of the Lord when I had first come to the USA. You know, when you have been in the habit of going to the temple 365 days a year,nine years in a row, God becomes an integral part of your thinking. It is as though you are missing a father, a mother..no..your soul.
I wanted to go to the temple. To see my Lord. Since I cant go, I can only think.
Thunjumpothu ninaimin, Thuyar varil ninaimin, Thurilin sollinum nandram,
Nanju than kandeer nammudai vinaikku, Narayana ennum Namam.
-Thirumangai aazwar
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