Athu Yennada athu?

Athu yennada athu?

Un peyar kettavuden mei silirkirathe?
Unnudan unnil vazhantha antha pala natkallai ninaikkayil,
en manam tholai thooram sendru unnudan inaikirathe?

Athu yennada athu?

Unnudan kazhitha andha mazhai kala ninaivugal,
en nenjin adivarathil erunthu bimbangalaai,
Naam serthu santhiththa minvettukallai ninaivu paduthugirathe?

Athu yennada athu?
Un chariththirathai en vazhaikayin ovvuru munaiyilum,
pinaika ninaikum pozhuthu varum poigal.
(sirippu)
Athan kuraigalai maraikai virumbhum thudippu
(vethanai)

Athu yennada athu?

Nam mottai madi ninaivugal,
nan unakku ezuthiya kathal kadithangal,
unnai patri jambam adithu konda kathaigal,
indrum oyamal un peyarai ucharikkum en uthadugal..

Athu yennada athu?

Unakku oru thuyaram endral uyir varai thudikirathe?
Vithi vasathaal pirinthalum,
mathiyin vasathil than nee erukirayai endra ninavu.
(Aaruthal)

Athu yennada athu?

un aganda veethigal(vizhigal allla)
En vilasama un vilasam(Thiruvallikeni)
Nan payindra un palli koodangal,
antha kadarkai, un metropolitan bus service,
Nee enakku katruth thantha padangal,
nan vazhantha vaazhkai,
en nenaivugal, ninaipugal, neethi,
kathal, kavithai, kanavu yen unavaai..uyirai

Athu yennada athu?

Nee. endrum nee.

Madras.

The city of Culture, Love,Joy,Hope,Future and Freedom.

The only thing that binds me to India. If I ever wish to return,it is to this haven. My Love.Madras..

The power of positive thinking..

There are optimists and there are others. I don’t know about anybody else. As far I can go right now is that to confess that I don’t know people. I am very bad at judging them and also I am extremely so in even judging myself.

I was thinking all these while that I am an extremely strong person and cannot be broken at all. But I realize this is not true. I read the word tendon crack…leads to arthritis. Man. I was shit scared. So much as to plan a trip to India in the middle of a semester.

There are extreme visa difficulties at this point of my stay in the Visa. It is all a tangled mess. I cant go home and I cant stay. So?

If I am to go home now: I get to stay there. Period. So? Am I not going to go? Why is that I who have been whining and crying about being the United States of America hesitate even to try going home during the OPT?

Has my visitor’s intention to stay abroad become permanent?

I think that God does not give opportunities without any reason. He does not hand out favors at the parties. There is a reason for us being where we are today. If He meant me to be in India, why should I come to this place? If I am destined to go back, why should I think twice about it?

I am not sure. I am enamored of travel. I love traveling. The road is my passion, life and breath. All this while I slogged to get to America because, the world is closer to you in America than anywhere else.

I want to see places, roam, explore the earth, be one with the wind that blows in Syracuse, become identified with the waves of the Mediterranean, seek inner peace at the pyramids, jump into the Colorado at the base of the Grand Canyons…

I feel this birth was for exploration. Knowledge that you attain first hand from the earth.

When I think of travel, my breath sags and after a few moments I find myself back from the beaches at my work desk breathing stopped, glazed eyes and expectant heart.

I have argued a 100,000 times with myself.

Look here: The world is not only America. You find the world in India too. Himalayas, Darjeeling, Mysore, Kerala, Tamilnadu? Where else can you find such diversity?

No. My heart refuses to understand. It was meant to explore. And explore it will.

My pain shall be overcome. My doubts over thrown. I shall succeed. I shall not be cowed down by the threats that seem to swallow my desire. I shall pursue it to the very ends of the earth.

I shall. Become an Optimist!!!!!

Hmm. The way the cookie crumbles

As I work on my machine design concepts, I feel a gentle nudge from my heart. Blogs. My hand creeps towards the system. My fingers itch to type out:-------.blogspot.com. I think it is just an obsessive complaint as it was with orkut.

I have always had a compulsion to write out my thoughts. When I was at Wheels India, I communicated the layout of the section I was planning to change through email. He called me and was like, "I would like to hear it from you. Not the system".

I identify a lot more with written statements than spoken ones. Maybe because they stand longer and are more unambiguously ambiguous. The most difficult thing about blogging is that you need something to write about. My friend,a fellow blogger here, was like, "How do I get ideas? I dont. I just let my thoughts wander and write." It does not matter whether somebody has written about it. Whether it is opiniated BS. It is yours and you just let it flow.

But I can't write about something that I have in mind if I find it already discussed in a blog. Like cutchery season in Madras. I knew that everyone will have something for the season and so did not even manage a few lines. New Year..I studiously avoid such discussions. But there are some ideas that I would have been planning to write about for months, thinking, building it up. Suddenly I would stumble onto an archive that will throw my plans into disarray. Bah!!

So do I give up blog hopping? No. I guess not. It is like this. When I read blogs, amateur writing is literally grammatized( tamil : ilakana paduthuthal). I see different sections of the populace, the fears, the thoughts, the ambitions. More often I see a change in thinking. Especially Indian bloggers. I see the drift to the first world thinking. Lavish living and lifestyles. I permeate into the mind of my fellow Indian in India.

Recently in the past year, when I have been following blogs pretty closely, I observe that Indians live like First World citizens these days. Promiscuous lifestyles, easily accquired deficiency syndromes, partying till dawn, high flying salaries, more and more international brands, psychotic behaviour, horrendous crimes, decline of indigenous culture.

Hmm. There seems to be a lot of "hep" surrounded with drinking, dancing, partying, dating, sex(wild), orgasms and language(pretty bad at it). All of a sudden something that was taboo is on the streets for anybody to buy. Anything is for sale.

I guess the society was too constricted at first. Too much pent up feelings. A desire to be wildly free. The dam burst at the first oppurtunity. Opening up of India to world markets. Hmm. The lack of real culture. That cant be penetrated by anything. Like a balloon that was tied up and the air molecules that were straining to be free. India has blown itself in all directions.

What I DON'T see is a change in the lacklustre sports performance. Mindless films which an averagely intellectual movie watcher(If there are any) would trounce. Deteriorating family situations. Polarizations. Same stupid, useless politcal scenario.

I do think these that the so called NRIs are more Indian than India's Indians. The NRIs here are called ABCDs(American Born Confused(Hmph!) Desis). I really dont know who is more confused.

Living in third world conditions, shutting eyes and refusing to believe that you are in India, mass migrating to big cities, ape America mindlessly, believing that clothes and language are the reflections of attitude, serious attitude problems...The list is really endless.

When we discussing this issue, my friend commented that it was probably because they are trying to be what they have never been allowed to. Free will.

Hmm. Free will. Isnt it strange that people use their free will in sex, crime, marijuana,...Why not apply them in more productive ideas(not sex please)? Politics. Why dont try lifting India to the highs? Why cant you make India a first world? Becos you think you are already in it.

It is easy to be in America and comment about India. Accepted. But I am doing exactly the same thing as you are. Outsourcing my brain.

I guess given the chance to return to India, I would think about it. For I am an Indian here but in India, I should be an American to be considered Indian.

Intha naal antha varudam

The title is my favorite in The Hindu. "This day, that age". What happened 50 years ago would be flashed on this column. Headlines of course. I have read about direct fight between leaders regarding Kashmir. Nehru being vocally thrashed much to the contrary of what appears in text books today. Gandhi being silently criticized. India winning and losing in the sporting events...

Hmmm...

As it turned out, it also became a day for many reminiscences. Tangi was online when I opened my laptop...

SVCE. Antha naalu varushangal nu than sollanum. Man! Seems to me now that it was the happiest times of my life.

Marathadi Pillaiyar kovil. Antha bus stop. Canteen. Smithy. Welding. Department pinnala total shady glen. Cut adichu madras thirumbhi vara 76C. Kanchipuram. Friends who I am not in touch with at all. Classmates. One who lived right below my apartment here in Lex and one 76 miles out at Cincinnati. I never made it a point to stay in touch even with them.

Varun. He was one friend who I made all efforts searching for but did not find at all. Even orkut did not turn up an entry for him. I met a couple of seniors at Austin and thankfully met them pretty often.

It is as though God just said, "Look. I have given Man so many things that he is never going to say he is happy about them all. He just takes it for granted. But I am God. And I know how to deal with it. I will give him time to realize this." And so God created time.

When something is timeless, you never bother about it much. The sky, the wind, the moon, the beauty of earth... But when you set a time : you can enjoy this only for 50 years.

But the Lord was totally deceived by the brilliance of man, who just to say he has had a good laugh,never thinks about all this till the 49th year.

Isn't He is the Lord because He has the last laugh always? At twilight man realizes,''My Lord, thou hast the last laugh yet; Cant I stay for another 50 years?''

Hmm. The other day I was talking to a friend(vj) about time travel. He said it was impossible. But I believed it must be possible and still do. But. Given a boon of realizing something, I would rather ask of God that time be untravellable. To coin a new word.

Because then at least I shall realize what I have missed. If time travel was possible, Man shall always be under the impression that everything can be undone and so miss the point of it all.

What is the question to 42? Number of ways man must be mislaid to think Time is travellable.

Hmmm..

So this morning was a totally tear jerky nostalgic hand kerchiefy morning.

SVCE. Again. I cant stop to think anything else. But I guess I wrote enough for today.

My two pennies for today : Live life so that you never realize tomorrow how good you could have made yesterday.

Adieu!

Itham

Meghamaae perum thagamaae, puthu eeramaai-- un paarvaiyai unarthene

Oru eriyaai, malai aruviyaai, kadal ezumaai--kadhalil vizuthene

nanaiyamal nathil kulikkum nilavaga unnai unarnthen

Mei kathal allavai chollave kanalaai kidanthen....

Recenta na ketta pattu varigal.. engo en manathai sundi ezuththa varigal..

From Uyir.

There is nothing like a free breakfast

I found this out for myself the hard way though!! I am wearing a cast due to a ligament problem in my leg. So am tottering unsteadily from a second floor house towards a campus bus stop.

Now I guess the biggest disadvantage of studying in a small school(Very very beautiful though) would be, it is located on a totally uneven topography and the locomotive system of the university does not provide for the largely Natraja service populace.

This time, though I usually foot my distances anywhere on campus within a radius of 6 miles. I was totally left bereft and am discovering(Very painfully) the discomforts of being disabled.

There hasn't been a single day since I took to crutches, I am feeling sorry for the girl or guy I have ever seen limping around the campus and how much they would have hated to see my sprinting past them.

The bus that leaves every half an hour(UT Austin has one that leaves every 15 minutes) does not cover all parts of campus. You have to changed buses at proper locations. The Bus does NOT stop whatever the reason maybe. The drivers are personifications of clemency iand racism themselves.

If Moses came down with a million commandments and waved his hand to separate the traffic, He would still have to wait for the CAT's bus to roll on. No. No. Not for handicapped. Not for disabled. Not even for The Lord.

Let's come back to what happened this morning. I hopped unsteadily out of the AAM. Then 2 storeys down. Hanging on for dear life to the railings. Terra firma again. Nice guy with glasses stops to let me pass. Wishes me luck.

Have to cross again. Screeccccccchhhhhhhhhh. A horrible driver(obviously lady!!!!) comes and halts halfway into the crossings. I am halted. Cant pass. on one leg and suffering. Five minutes pass.

Hey Hey Hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My bus. I just missed it by a minute. I just did not get killed standing in the middle of the road!!!!!!!No. No. No. Not for the Indian hobbler. never!!!

Becos of this lady.! I sigh resignedly. She rolled down the window and said," Why don't I drop you off at the clinic?"

I did not even pause to think about this lady kidnapping me or doing anything else that's horrible. I was numbed to the heart with cold and my foot was paining terribly. Just got in and she being a horrible driver as usual took the wrong lane. Left me a mile off..

Hopped on my crutches like a huge grasshopper on a sidewheel drive. Collapsed on to the X-Ray and panted, "Dr.Lawrence, X-Ray.."

""Oh No Dearie.. get approval letter..next office. Right round the red door."" I HATE RECEPTIONISTS. They convey more worse news with sweeter smiles than the docs themselves. For example : Bill!!

In Vaishnava temples, there is a concept of Shri Vaikuntam and on Vaikunta Ekadesi, the eleventh day on the Lunar calendar in the month of Marghazhi(I think so), you pass through a set of Mammoth doors which are I guess indicative of the fact that is Vaikuntam itself. If you pass through those doors, you have gotten rid of all your sins and have entered Vaikuntam..so they say. Parole day mathri nu vechukonga.

That red door now seemed to be Heaven. If reaching Heaven was this difficult, Man!! Collapsed on the door. "X-Ray..recommendation \... letter"

Nejamave sathiyama Jeans padathula vanthathu ellam total udans nu nenachen. Illa Machi Illa..


Right foot la cast eruku. Left ankle X RAY nu refer pannanga. Eruntha mayakathula na pakkave illa. Operation theatre kku pona. Oh sorry. Konjam over..

X Ray eduka vanthavar nalla erukara kala oru mathri patha appove santhegam vanthuthu. Aiyo! ""Right sir Right.""-- Me bleating like a goat.

""Is it right? oh okay. Let me continue with the procedure.."- doc..

"No it is my right leg" me..

''something is not right here..."

ennum rendu nadaikku appuram vaazhkai veruthu, ara mayakathula poi ukkanthen doctor munnala. No X Ray. ''Vendave vendam ma thaye poi ukkaru'' nu soltan.

Ennomo panni enna deposit pannanga velila.

Nadakarthungarthu out of koshtin agave poten en friendkku oru kaala. VJ, please..

Ana. ennoda breakfast double rate.

Freeze agi vandi start agalayo. Illa traffic la matinaro theriyala. Vanthu sernthar 23 minutes kazhithu.

Na athu kulla snow woman agiten."" Ondra kal la nillu. Ondra kal la nillu"" nu mama sonnathu nenachengoi.! Ninnnen ondra kal la. Athuvum endra kal la.

Proceeded to vj's house and had hot hot hot dosas with chutney. Hmmm. moonu dosai koduthatha over scene pottu vendam nu solli, romba varuthathoda rende dosai sapten..

Ana.. realise pannen.

THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A FREE BREAKFAST..Maybe you can fast free but you can never break it free.

Have fun and a wonderful evening to come...

My five minute sithantham

Just had five minutes before I got on to my job at the Mathskeller's
today.

Thought about what I would say if this was the five minutes of my life.

THE FIVE MINUTES OF MY LIFE.

I have had a great childhood. I was extremely happy in my teens
till I met suda. Then I had a roller coaster ride that ended
a few months ago.

Then I met some people I would cherish being with for the rest
of my life.

This is the most exciting time of my life.

I am working with physical difficulties..torn ligaments in both feet.

I am finishing up my masters. Looking for a job. Meeting
new people..Planning to bring amma and appa to the US. Anna is getting married.

Going home for the engagement. Getting married..Getting closer to God.

I am looking forward to life...There has not been a better moment in my life.

That I have looked forward more to life than this...:))

Thanks Lord.

Amen

Sakkarapongal and Virumandi

It's been a fortnight into the New Year. I have already had a preview of what lies ahead. This is gonna be a turbulent ride on to the jet stream that's just blowing out of the economy. Well. I guess I will take the lee side into it and bother not.

Yesterday was pongal. Dreamed about awesome Sakkarapongal amma would have made. Loads of ghee, tons of love..Thought about what I would have done in Austin. Hmm..

Did not even think that I would get to eat any sakkarapongal yesterday. If you are asking why I did not make some, I had personal reasons. But was hoping I would get invited. But no avail.

Vivaram Ketta Virumandi veeram pongi kondu ezuthane.
Kanni ponnu katha kettu kannu kalangida ezuthane.
Petha pulla thuyaram kettu pethavanga thudipathupol,

Sakkara pongaludan veetukul ajar. :)))

Actually he did not know of any vivarams..Anantha the guy who lives downstairs had just learnt that I had some ''personal'' reasons for not being able to make sakkarapongal.. He had just tried out it and got me a bowl fullllllllllllllll of yuummmmmmmmmmmyyyyy sakkarpongal soaked in ghee, cashews and raisinssssssssss. Hmmmmm..

You know this melt in the mouth, wowwwwwwww kinda of food. I almost thought I was back home. Haven't thanked him though. Gotta do it today.

I guess when you are away from home these kinda of small gestures go a long way in making you feel that you really have someone close by you can turn to.

Also. I truly believe that these people are God. I was kinda feeling bad that I did not have anyone to get me SP. I was thinking about the delicious SP in Triplicane Parthasarathy Perumal temple. I was just praying to God for a sample of His love.

I did not believe my eyes (or ears) when Anantha came in with SP. I was like shell shocked. I did not even thank him.

There are friends and then there are some. You never know when these some turn into God. I believe these are what I would name God of small things.

I know I am drooling too much about a SP. But this SP will be the best I have ever ever had in my life and I shall remember it for a lonnnnnnnggg time.

I guess Navy would never understand. But this is where I see God and he sees coincidence, good gestures and affection.

But he is on the right track... Hope I am toooo..

To all of you

Happiest of Pongals. I had a great one. Did you too?

Yonder lies the path to greener pastures.

Does it all really break down into chemicals? Love, faith, belief, happiness, depression....can all these human emotions be really mere organic structures moving along streams of predetermined brain stems and nerve endings?

Fate, karma, maya??? Mere figments of imaginations of the whimsical thoughts of the fragmented demented human brain? Hmm..

When you are beset in all sides by the seemingly inescapable mires of time, hedged in the past, unable to accept the present and in fear of the future....

Is it true..whatever that is taught in our scriptures? In any scripture for that matter? Who is God? If there is a God, who created Him? Is He really the totally merciful saviour of all or is He a sadist?

If He is capable for all good in the world, then why does He not change the world with a sweep of His hand? Why is He partial and why not the same to all?

Why should files of my previous births be hidden from me? By the privacy act , I have not signed any clause that prevents my records being see by me!!!!!!!!!

Who gave Him the authority to be the police man of the Universe? What business of His is the earth?

I thoroughly hate Him for His deeds.. I hate Him because I am a human who fears anything he/she does not know. Cannot comprehend.

I hate God for I dont understand Him. He stands where I cant perceive Him and taunts me with the truth that I long for.

I know I must go to Him. But how? Whither is the path?

Whither art Thou My Lord?"

"..... The world evolved from uni-celled to what it is today.... "

"....Yes. It was called Prajapati. A single celled organism encased in a golden vessel.."

"...What crap!!! Who is Prajapati here anyway and who said the big bang was true any way?

" Big bang is the assumed theory..

"There you go.. assumed.."

" No..There is proof of this in the Mahabharata..."

"Who says the Mahabharata is true.."

"Everything I have learnt ever from the Hindu Philosophy has been true."

"Assumed to be true.."

"No. It is God. How can it be wrong? "

"God.. Can you prove the existence of God?"

" Can you prove evolution?"

"Of course.!!! Man!!! There is solid proof for it.. Don't you ever read!!"

"Then explain the eye!!"

"There you go!! Classic creationist observance.. When somebody asks you to prove something, you go ahead and try to disprove evolutionist theory..Or rather what we are trying to understand!!!. Wow"(sarcasm oozes out)!

" Isn't it an refuting by anti proof an existing and accepted method for proof or disproving? You have the Math people do it but when we.."

"Oh! You prove something solidly before you go ahead and disprove a part of our analysis..."

"Are all evolutionist atheists? Why do they pray? Why do they have faith?"

"You don't have to explain. Everything is ruled by chemicals. We are a lucky chance to be what we are. That's it. Evolution tried and got us this way...."

This argument never seemed to end. It was me and Navy arguing in Austin.. A minute ago, everything seemed idyllic but now the very basis of my existence on this place we called earth was been shaken. I could not but accept defeat. I wasn't able to prove God.

I tried of various ways to do it. I said the breeze. The sun. The Moon. Water. Rain. Everything pointed to God. I see Him in everything.

"Okay. I am an non believer. Go ahead and make me believe that there is God. I do want to believe you see."

Would God have appeared if I had said, "Thoonilum erupan Thrumbilum erupan"? and showed a pillar?

I did not try but it was improbable. Or was it? All along, my faith in God has been the only proof for His existence. You don't merely believe in something that you are told. For example, if my mom says,"Hamsa. Today is Kizhakku soolam. Do this way." I argue with her for hours about the fundamentals behind such beliefs.

But I have never argued the existence of God. But I had been told, "Nambinaarku Kadavil. Ellarku Kal." You do not question the belief of God. You believe Him.

Today. I stand my beliefs questioned and I am not able to substantiate. But I now know that we each have to find our own God. I ended with a feeble, "Your work is your God." That is it.

But. Today.. The Quest begins..

When nobody knows how long ago..

Where was I all this time? I am totally surprised that I let an year end go by without blogging. I have not been idle. Have been reading posts of previous, present and future goals, resolutions, changes...

I think if a calendar year change.. A date change can actually correct so many humans..Then it is a big achievement of Caesar who changed the New year to be Jan 1 from March...

Ennamo ponga.. Naalu perukku nalathunna ethuvume thappila...recenta Nayagan pathen. My first time watching Kamal live as Velu Nayakar. It was awesome and needless to say, " Nayakar enna migavum bathichutar"

Am at Austin with my brother. Lazing away my vacation, precious time that could be spent better searching for jobs, introspecting, thinking up resolutions that wont last even a day...

I am at cross roads. I see a road that says more America, job, travel, fun, not tied to anything in this world. And another that says, Commitment, responsibility, Laying down roots, stability and boredom..

I know for sure that this year is going to be the turning point of my life. 2007.. Hmm...

What is there yet to come???

Happy New year to alll...