Nithyam Achutha!!!!!

Intha vazhka anithyam nu namba ellarukkume theriyum. Ana maranam ngra pidi namma kitta nerungum pothu enna bayam erukum nu yaravathu solla mudiyuma??? yes. mudiyum. people who has survied through it or people who feel they are on the throes of death.

Eppo en kitta kelunga, na solren.

Manasukku adila oru verumai. Cha!! Entha vazhkangra gift a namba epdi thooki potutome. Oru Einstein, Newton na illainallum Hamsadhwani ya, Gayathri ya santhoshamana vazhkaiya vittutu..epdi thevai illatha kastangalaiyum, virakthigalaiyum, manasula vechundu!! How many spoilt relations. How many friendships broken, How many loves lost...due to the good for nothing ego! The hours and hours before the mirror. The feeling that pride goeth before a fall!!!

The books left unread, the songs left unsung, the dances, the innumerable threads that were lost and never searched for again..

All the mistakes that you have done runs into full view before your eyes. Your heart takes over the brain. Tears fall unashamedly. Realisation that everything could have been said right that had been said wrong. Past mistakes and Punishments repented for with full heart.

Thankfullness for having lead a good life till now : True friends. Unsaid love. Life. Beauty. Creation...Joys of things missed. Sex.

God : your mind starts contemplating about the Lord above and what explanations your going to offer for your deeds. Good or Bad. Of the friendships that you broke where a forgiving glance might have meant life to somebody. Where you simply chose to ignore and shut your heart out.

More than ever. The thinking of how if you are given another stint at it : what would you choose to do with it??? State first? Scientist? Never leave India. Mom and dad. More more more friends, happiness, zero ego, less money, contented life (you have just realised that you dont need money to be alive!!! or money cant make you live after you died.)

Tears. Tears.. Tears.

Happy, sad, nostalgic, penitent, ecstastic.

It is not a nic feeling to know that you are dying. I can promise you that.

Now. To the question that has been topmost in your minds. Why should I write this?

It is a promise I made to myself. Whatever I had done, maybe there isnt enough time to undo it. It has been a long day..23 years of life. Total summer. Maybe my winter has come already.

I am going to meet the doctor tomorrow regarding a persistent pain in my chest. I think I feel a lump. Maybe I am paranoid. Maybe I am correct.

Tomorrow shall be the test.

Will I remain Hamsadhwani? Or shall I pass away as an indistinct blur on the sea of humanity??

Oh Lord in Heaven,
"Whenever I prayed, I said, "Lord. Let me see you. Be near you. Take me away from this cruel earth. "

But Now when my time comes, I'd rather remain on the earth. Close to amma and appa. Close to my friends, and You. In the temple."