I love you Mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Intha ulagathuliya ammangra orava than Emperuman kooda vilai mathipillathatha consider panrar nu nenaikaren. Even alwar sings of the Lord, as " petra thaiyinum aayina seiyum" and nayanmar as "thaiyinum sala parinthootum". When Karaikal ammaiyar comes to Kailayam, Lord Siva refers to her as "my mother".

I was thinking about how my life was being shaped and what I am coming to. I needed to think about my positives and remembered that I had one awesome mom and dad combo in the world.

amma.

Na kanna moodum pothey kanlernthu thanni varathu. If I had a fixture ever in my life, it has been mom, mom and mom all the way. She has been with me all through my 23 years. I left her to come for the US and it has been one decision I think I shall live to regret.

The first thing that I can ever remember when I look beyond all these years to the point when I was a small kid is my mom. Hugging me, scolding me, Kissing, Laughing, crying, caring..A kaleidoscope of emotions play their colours with me.

Her long hair plaited neatly. I have my hands fully into it and am pulling it to pieces. :) Amma, patiently holding me in her arms. I am just 2.

Amma dressing me in a beautiful Pattu pavadai. It is karthigai and I am being an handful by pouring oil out of the lamps, blowing the lights off... I am still 2.

Me getting lost. Amma sobbing her heart out. Amma looks so so beautiful. Slim, mentally very strong, amma. I am three. I have just started school.

Four. I am learning lessons from her. She is so impatient. She does not even want me making a single mistake.:) Appa takes over as my teacher. I am 4.

As I grow up. Amma grows up too. I see her becoming old. Her mental resolve shaken by numerous visits to the hospital for appa. Our very life a question mark. I close my eyes.

I start going to the dance class. I can see the pride in her face as she tells her collegues that I am learning Bharatnatyam. I make childish gestures and see the pride brimming in her face. I am 6.

I think I just ran through my childhood. Lots and lots of friends. Happy as a street urchin. For the first time, I see consternation writ on her face. "Ulla podi. Eru appa varatum".. I think I am 10.

12,13,14...life runs as in a race. Is that me?
I remember how proud she was when the Adarsh principle said, "Your daughter has very good marks. I shall be happy to have her here". I replied, "I shall be happy in DAV". Amma, feeling that she had done me an injustice. I am 15.

wow!! In a saree looking like a 20 year old. In my high school graduation. I am 17. The first time I wore a saree, it was mom's. A lovely Kancheevaram saree folded with care. Smelling of mom. As I wore it, I felt the love that enveloped me.

Amma. Patiently tying my long long hair into a plait. Poo chuthi, rakhkodi, mattal. I am looking like a bride. The next day, I cut my hair. That which had taken mom 10 years to grow. Gone in a single second. I came home and for the first time mom cried. I cried with her. Any number of sorries would not suffice and as a punishment my hair never grew long then a few inches.

I am into SVCE. Quiet as a door mouse. Amma terribly worried about my personality. She talks of incessant dullness in me. I am not responding. I dont even look at her in her face. Those four years. A recurring theme in my life. The utter unhappy state that I left my family in..I am 21.

Amma. Listening to the reports that my relative had to make at my cousin's wedding. "Sugantha. Gayathri samathu. Romba nanna eruka. Aduthathu ava kalyanam than.". 21 still.

My first proposal. "Sugantha, unga ponna en paiyanukku...". Mami kovilla keeta odana, amma so happy. Her face shining with absolute happiness. Me. Flat no. Her face falling to the floor. Me. Taking no notice.
Amma Kaal operation. She is just back from hospital. I have to take a dress to tailor. Am shouting at mom. "Amma, seekiram vamma. Poganum. neram achu. kelambu ma. nee enaku ethuvume seiya matengra"..

Amma runs. Falls down again.Second operation. Everything because of me. Her leg has never been allright till date. Because of me. All tears and prayers havent been enough. Am 22.

"Amma. Na America poganum. Financial status kku paisa venum. Enna panna pora?" -- Me, 22
Visa rejected. Amma positive about it. I shouting at her in her face. -22

Kadana vudana vangi. Amma. Showing 40 lakhs. Wistful. "Appa ku mattum odambu sariya eruntha!!!"..22

Lufthansa.."See ya mom."- 23
Amma crying. Me too. -23

I think I have never realised how strong our parents have been. I guess most of us have worked our way up from the poverty line to the middle class and upper middle class only because of the fortitude of amma and appa.

My mom is still young. Young at heart. She, who could not have more than 2 sarees when she was young. At whom lifes atrocities were heaped.She went to work at 18. She has never stopped till date. Rain/shine/illness nothing has stopped her. When she buys me sarees, she feels the happiness as though she wears it. She beholds her younger periods at every instant of my life. She has watched me grow as though I was herself. She has given me everything she has and much more. Forgetting all her disappointments and failures, she has worked to make me a success. Her shopping sense. Her way of dealing with things. Her ever righteous behaviour. Her prayer for the best of everyone. Her fears and expectations of the aspect of my marriage. The pleasure she proposes at having to choose my husband.

Amma.

I cant be even half good at being a mother as she is.

Thanks God. Whoever you are. You are. For my mom is the living proof of it.