Enough of this!

I was going through my blog posts dating to almost 2 years back. I suddenly felt that I had lost a lot of my vocabulary, there were words I did not remember the meaning to that I had written, stuff I don’t even think about and the simple joy of narrating the day’s happenings to a friend lost.

So long now I have been thinking about writing a blog and then go, “ well…what is the use of a blog like that? “ or “ Do I really need to write this blog?” or “well.. It is nothing really.” Or I would say I became arrogant. Holier than thou. “I can write better than this!” But never managed to, convincing myself with a poor “I can but won’t”. Who am I kidding?

I have just become closeted like the society that I live in now. I talk about work, think about it, dread it, love it, hate it. Keep thinking of challenges and obstacles and turning them into victory---- Much more importantly: How are others thinking about me?

I have forgotten that I am a sum total of small things that make me up and without those individual idiosyncrasies, I can never be me.

Of late, I have gone into this self questioning mode. Am I doing good work? Is the work I do worth anything at all? What do people in the office think about me? Am I dressed well enough? Is what I write worth writing?

Also I have started viewing relationships with a deep misgiving. They never seem to be what they are. Unless there are rules imposed at the first offset. I have been an open book all my life. I have said this to many people and have heard it a lot too. Well. A book not interpreted can mean 10000 different things to the casual reader. Not even a really serious one can understand the between the lines situations.

So after a couple of bitter memories and changes, I have decided that no relationship would be undefined. You are this to me. I am this alone to you. Only the relationship with God is unqualified: You are my mother, father, husband, brother, lover, friend, enemy, teacher, guide …anything. The others are or are not.

I have become like the Orthanc: Tall, black, shuttered with many windows looking inwards but never opening outwards.

So there is the picture of my last one year. There have been very pleasant moments lost in the hurry of work and blacker thoughts that have spoilt the joy of working independently.

The place I am living in is beautiful. Mountains and a great lake close by. Everybody reads about the Niagara but how many get to stay close to it? It is Kodai or Ooty with harsher winters. That’s all. There used to be a time when I thought well: I have the summer still. But now, my thinking has become what the heck, winter’s going to be here in three months!!!

Well. First thing. I am going to be stop penalizing myself for anything that has happened. Even if I was responsible (wow!!! That’s a good one). Then I am going to look at new relations but put a qualifier on each.

Also I am going to read. Read a lot. That is what will make me truly happy and as qualified as before.

May the stars shine upon our paths!