Drawn by the wind

Monday shall be it. 31st March 2008. The day Cummins files for my H1-B. As with the year before, maybe worser is the rat race for the H1B. This year, it seems likely for a lottery for the Masters/advanced degree holders. At this point, I am thinking about what I really want to do. Where I really want to be when the choice is no longer in my hands.

Coming to think about it, my stay in America has been a blessed one. I have enjoyed each moment of my life here and it would be a cinch to go back. Yes. Someday in the future but not right now. That had been my initial thoughts. In going back to India, I feel myself imprisoned by a life where I cannot do things that I want to do. Traveling. The world seems smaller, closer when you are in America. Somehow. Inexplicably.

On the other hand, it might finally be the time I get to live with appa and amma. But the moment I land at home, I will be pestered till I get married. After a long time, back home: Temple, Jasmine, Indian food, sounds, smells, and sights familiar to the mind and close to heart. Pilgrimages, religious trips around the country.

But for my family, I really do not have anything left in India. My friends have all moved away further than I thought they would. I really do not have anybody I call friends anywhere in the world. No one. Either they are too close for that or too far. But for amma, appa, chithis, chitappas, mamas, mamis...India has become a place of religious contemplation.

Ever since I bought my car which has given me wings really. The freedom it affords me. The happiness in driving my car to far off places, to see and feel new places. It has become a real obsession. My apartment which is mine. Where I can have my friends over and watch movies late into the night, where I can throw my clothes anywhere I want to (though I don’t do it). Everything done at my pace.

Now that I think of it, my argument definitely feels as though I am leaning towards this place but it is not. My job. Am I happy at it? Do I feel I am wanted? A part of the organization? Anything? No. I don’t. I am outsider here. I don’t belong to JEP. My team has not been in play with me at all. All of them feel I am a co-op. Not a manufacturing engineer.

All my life around happens after my job. So my job is the most important thing. When I am not happy at my job, at work, nothing else seems to be working out well outside either. So I am not happy. Whatever initiative I take is useless. As the vogon says, “Resistance is useless”. I am being pushed behind by lack of projects to work on, projects that don’t seem to work at all for the machine is not plugged to power as yet. I am being constantly run down by issues with other projects. “Quality worx has to work if your project has to start. When will that start? Three months later.

I am sick of saying, “I am learning”. Though that is precisely what I am doing. So here is it in a nutshell: I hate to leave but love to leave. I am in a tight corner. Each time I try to fit in, the walls keep shrinking. Today has been a really a tough one. Cold shouldered by almost every one I met. I just want to get up and scream, “F*** off”.

Indiala kooda na ivalavvu ketta vartha use pannathu illa. I am tired of it. So. That’s me talking out aloud. My mood is as black as my mind is right now.

Why am I a burst of sunshine some days and a black rain cloud the others!!! Next week shall know. Where I am going to be. What is going to be my future. I am reminded of what my grand ma used to say at moments of indecision,

“Ittamudan en thalayil inna padi endru
ezuthivitta Shivanum sethu vittaano?
“Mutta mutta panjam vanthalum baaram
Avanukke nejame anjathey!”

Bang on target!
(photo: as usual : from the internet)