Hmm..

I really did not what to name this one..I was just thinking about home and I realised suddenly that I was purring softly Hmm. So translated it to the title.

One thing that can never be beat by anything else is the beach. Living on the edge would not mean anything else. We live right by the brink of the sea. A walk of 10 minutes , 1 minute as the crow flies. Thats all. We had all along our lives right from my great grand father's sojourn at chennai which later drove us in droves to Chennai imagined it to be placid creature uncapable of anything other than mildly lapping at the shores.

The december 2004 Tsunami proved us wrong. If I had been in America then, I would have panicked like mad. Calls placed frantically, running around trying to located friends and relatives. But I was in India and in Triplicane when diaster struck. The first throes were people totally disoriented. It was something really unimaginable. They had mapped out the sea. They fished. They salted. They lived. They existed by her shores. She was their Goddess. Merciful and bountiful, She fed them, clothed and made them human. But suddenly she released Her wrath at those She had loved dearly. Mistrust grew. They Her trust no longer.

What happened that day was utterly unimaginable. The sea. My sea. The long hours I had spent on her shores building castles, playing frisbees, bajji, manga, playing catch with the waves..

The moment we knew there was a tsunami, a morbid curiosity arose in us to see the extended shoreline. Knowing not what nature had in store, we rushed to the spot. Man!! I can never ever describe the scene. The shore actually extended to somewhere till Vivekanadar Illam. Dead and despairing on one side. The fisher folk altogether almost erased from the shores.

That day shall remain evergreen in my mind.

As a child, all I thought of the sea was She was of the beautiful blue I loved. She threw bubbles at me, for me to catch and delighted young and old alike. Long walks, confidences with my father( I took an eraser from balaji today, I stole an appam from the plate before offering it to Ummachi. Will God punish me for biting Vinod? My math marks..Boo Hoo.).

As I grew older, She conjured up images of visions and shores far off. I pictured myself walking to Orissa just by walking along the shores. Patha Yatra. I pictured setting sail on a big ship to Singapore. All books I read spoke of treasures under the sea. I literally used to believe that there were galleons ad galleons of Spanish gold buried for me to find. I became a marine off shore explorer. Attired in the heavy robes and cast into the depths in a bathyscape. Found gold mines and diamonds and jewels under the sea.

Older I became, when my thoughts took a more mature turn. I would picture Vivekanandar returning from America and prostating on the Indian soil. Of thousands of speeches that had been heard here before Independance.

Still I grew when I realised that before Her I was puny. As puny as the smallest microbe to the biggest whale. She could capture me and hold me in ferrets for as long as She deems to. The necessary and sufficient(I had a math quiz this morning!!) condition to disprove the hypothesis that Man reigns supreme in this world. There is no God. Yes. But there is the sea.

Man. His immense ego as The Creation.

All brought to dust that one morning when at last I learnt that she could and would kill. My love for the sea is now more poignant. I cry when I feel Her. Her cruelty that day that forever separated me from Her. That She like the whimsical man and his supreme ego showed the world what She could do. Showed my world.

The thin line that had separated my friends from danger that day. They were to play a match on the beach that morning. So many other unfortunte kids. Girls collecting sea shells. Beggars who have nowhere else to go. All those She embraced.

The last time I went to the beach was on that day. I left India bound for America. No. Not by my childhood dreams. I flew. This time when I returned to Madras, I felt the need for inner peace. My quiet insecurities made insignificant by the sound of wind, the salt laced air. All that reminds me that in all corners of the Universe, things obviously far far bigger than whether I got A in System Optimization were going on.

As I stood gazing to the far shores..I cried as Legolas did.

In land shall no longer your heart rest..If the cry of the gulls you heard.

The sea. The sea.

I own the dead man's chest now.

Home again..Though not alone..

Entered home to a great fanfare. Actually embarrassed by it. :) All my parents did not do was to have a band playing at the entrance to our street!!!.

"Eh..kada veethi kalakakum, enn chella ponnu..ava nadanthu vantha..."

As I was being petted by everyone in the street, (Hey!! I was the street's favorite!!. When I left for the US, everyone were like "When r we going to see you lift water? shout at the van vendors? Steal bats from small boys in the street? Your monkey antics....") I was drowned in the affection.

The phone rung continously. Until appachi ordered it off. Jet lag? Me? not at all. After all I trot galaxies. I distributed everything I had bought leaving nobody's curiosity to doubts. It was 9:00 when I went to the temple..

The temple...

If you had the years that I have spent in that dear old place. To behold the Lord, it was like being reborn. My chest swelled up as if to include the infinte mercy the Lord had shown to be seeing me again. This one year has been a lot of troubles. Leaving home was never an easy decision. Being alone, no friends really. It was a misery and after a lot of troubles in the past three months. I just wanted to be back in my mother's lap.

As I bowed my head to the supreme being who plays us like puppets, I wanted never to leave again. Tears welled up and was supressed. I was back.

"Ennama Hamsa? Vanthutiya? enna eppdi eruke? Nanna erukiya? Enime thirumbi poganuma? Padichu mudichacha? Neenga rendu perum ponathu appuram konjam verumana than ma eruker Perumale"

Nannum en friend Lakshmiyum. "Therla mama. Poganum. Ennum oru varusham eruku padichu mudika ve. appuram vela aganum".

"anga thedariya? Perumala vittuta? "

Simple answer. As the priest quelled my doubts in one simple answer, I could not yet bring myself to answer him. Smiled meekly and left.

But this time, I felt the distance that I have never felt in my 9 years of piety. I felt I was on the brim of a sphere and looking inside. I felt fear, doubt and unhappiness assail me for the first time. Does God really take care of me? Then why am I suffering in the USA? Why?? As I sighed deeply, His countenance maintained the only exprssion I had ever beheld. Smile.

"Thelliya singama magia Thevai Thiruvallikeni kandene..."- alwar mangalasasanam..so went the boy priest.


I spent myself on the walls, the pillars, saw scriptures on the old tamil etched on the walls. Remembered every cherished nook where confidences were exchanged. The mirrors..Devoted myself to the history of the temple. Walked down aisles that I had run on as a child. Saw in the dappled sunlight corridors my younger self as I ran.. Pattu pavadai. My long hair plaited neatly..Patti. Nine yards sarila.. MS e nadanthu vara mathri.

"Hamsa odatha di. Ennala mudiyala. Hamsa nillu ma. etho par. Poochi mama vanthuta. Unna pudichi ava paiyannuku kalyanam panni vechuduva. appuram unna athula sethuka matta."...

I saw myself stop dead on my tracks and run to patti. The much maligned poochi mama. The still maligned notion of marriage. I smiled to myself that I was still holding on to that.

After 20 years of wanderings, I am back. At the shore of my land. The ocean of joy. I wanted to drown myself. As in sannithi after sannithi, the interview went on..loads and loads of Prasadams later, I headed out.

I was not one with the eternal being. But actually discovered that I am a shade farther from Him. My mind uncalmed by this visit, turned to the streets.

Mada veethi.. The streets where Perumal holds sway. Porapadu, running around Him with a digital camera. The boys. The girls. The youth. The drunken stupor of youth. Sriram, Venkat, Vijay, sangeetha, Lakshmi, Hamsa, Sarang, Parthasarthi,...As we swaggered around in the confidence that youth and beauty had given us.

Even I write it, even as I stood reliving those wonderful moments..my heart leapt across easily the four years. The night of Diwali..When I awoke to be a woman, as Sriram held my hand and said : "Hamsa, na unna than kalyanam pannipen. vera yaraiyum ella"..

I smiled. I walked to the house opposite to the temple. " Mami, soukiyama? Mama office poitara? Na inniku kathala than vanthen. Koilluku vanthen apdiye pathutu polame nu.."

"Vadi vadi, eppidi eruka? oru varusham odi poiduthe ma? Sriram kku kozhanda porakka porthu theriyumono? Janaki ella. amma athukku kootindu poi erukan. okkaru. kapi sapadriya? " Saroja mami yoda kallam ellatha sirippu.

The childhood intentions of love that sriram had harboured had vanished into mists when he entered college and met Janaki. A year of courtship and wedded bliss later, I meet him again in RMKv last year when shopping for my trip. An embarrased silence later, I said "Sriram, nee sonnathu ellam na manusulaye vechukala. Nee ennoda sagajama eru. sariya?"

I was also matured in the four years that had ensued. As it is in the first place, it was not sriram I was interested in. :))). But I take great pleasure in reminding him of the scene in the motamadi.. lakshmi and venkat in attendance as he proposed.

Antha mottamadi eri poi pathen. nalu varusham odi poiduthungartha namba mudiyala!!!..

keezha erangi "poitu varen mami..". Thirumbi South mada veethi..

Aiyo!! Poochi mama paiyan!!

"Hey hamsa, eppdi erukel? nanna erukela? America ellam eppdi eruku? Enga vara manasu vanthutha? "

ammam da!! unnaku than theriyum america eppdi nu!! Vara manasu vanthuthaman!!.

I had not forgotten that he was the one who stopped me from play. I glared at him and with unwarrented rudeness: " Nannaa eruken. Sari appuram parkalam". Interview over.

I walked home...

A Quick thought

I intercepted this as soon as I thought of it. I was browzing today and suddenly as I was flipping backward and forward among the website like among previous page using "back".

Did you realise that you are accessing a point of frame in time backwards? We are viewing exactly something what has got over and done with.

I know it is all crap about cached memory and it is stored and then reaccessed. Yet it is a sort of time travel.

I wonder?? If there was a cache where everything that has gone by is stored and then closed. If so for what length of time? Where is it? and How do we access it?

You may think I am wacky. No. I am just very much into time travelling. I am sure we can. It is just the fourth dimension!!!!Exasperated...

Are there any instances in the epics that you come across time travel? If you can , share them please and we can look them over..for clues :)))

hamsa